Divorce on Aisle 3

I not good at making friends.  I am EXCELLENT at making acquaintances.  I will talk to anybody that I figure I'll never see again because that just feels easy.  However, the second I suspect that we might cross paths on a regular basis or that I might be responsible for maintaining our friendship, I'm out the door.  (Unless you are so enticingly weird that you catch my interest, at which point I might actually become your stalker, but mostly, like, when you don't know I'm there, so it's probably cool because I'm mostly harmless.) My family gets really irritated with me because I'm a total weirdo magnet, which brings meI great pleasure.  I love to talk to the people I attract regardless of whether or not my family wants to stand there and wait on me.  I mean, these people I draw in obviously NEED me.  Who am I to tell them I don't have time to listen to their lore?  I clearly have a gift.  Plus, crazy knows crazy.

Recently, I had one of my favorite encounters of all time with a stranger I met at Walmart.  I needed to grab a few things and told B that I was running out to get whatever, and that I'd be home soon.  However, the Universe had a different plan.  The greeter that day was a lovely Black woman, probably in her 50s, named Clara.  I had seen Clara before at Walmart, but had never spoken to her other than a "hi" or "goodbye" as I came through.  On this day, I was headed back out of the store and said my quick "goodbye" when Clara and I had the following conversation:

ME:  Bye!  Have a great day!

CLARA:  (Grabbing my arm.) Are you ever just.....thinking about something?

ME:  (Pausing--- because I am a classic over-thinker and am always thinking about everything):  Yes!  I am!  What are YOU thinking about?

CLARA:  Well, I just think I'm gonna have to get a divorce.  You're the first person I've told.

ME:  (Realizing, as a formerly happily divorced person that this is a golden opportunity to tell her to cut and run, but also realizing that maybe she's just having a bad day):  Oh, yeah?  If you're thinking it, you probably do.  Tell me what's going on.  (I pull myself up next to her little counter, and get all situated.  Divorce counseling requires comfort for intensive listening.)

CLARA:  Well. you see, we've only been married about five months.  But I hadn't been married before, and I was excited for the companionship, and now he's just spending my money.  I work and work and he's just spending everything.  And trying to tell me what to do, and still spending.

ME:  Girl, I HAVE BEEN THERE.  My ex-husband was shit with money, and spent everything. 

CLARA:  I just look at him and think that I don't want to be married to him anymore.

ME:  Guess what?  You don't have to be!  You're a strong, beautiful woman!  You don't need him all up in your space, spending your money and trying to tell you what to do!

CLARA:  That's what I'm thinking too.

ME:  Okay, so what are we going to do about this?  Let's GOOGLE it! 

(Clara and I proceed to Google divorce attorneys in the area and discuss the merits of each.  She doesn't want a male attorney become "men ain't nothing but trouble"-- I hear you, sister.  We finally get a few names and she puts them in her phone.  In the meantime, nearly an hour has passed and probably twenty televisions and a hundred cases of bottled water have been stolen from Walmart under our noses but NOBODY CARES, WALMART.  CLARA'S RELATIONSHIP IS IN SHAMBLES AND YOU CAN AFFORD TO TAKE THE HIT. )

ME:  Okay, we've got you all set up to get started.  How else can I help?  Today's the day, Clara!  Let's ditch this loser and get you single!

CLARA:  Yeah....I'm thinking it's time.  You married?

ME:  Yep.  But this guy is the second one.  The first one was a waste of time.

CLARA:  Yeah, girl?  YOU TELL ME WHAT HE DID TO YOU!

ME:  Well, I found out at our wedding reception that he had been cheating on me and lying about it, he cheated on me with a teenager after that, and once when I was super sick and thought I was dying just dumped me off at the doctor and left to "go check on his duck boxes," while I had to sit and get IV fluids, and oh, yeah, he broke a bone in my hand. Not to mention how he emotionally abused me.  He also blinded my cat by cracking him in the eye with his pager.

CLARA:  HE HURT YOUR CAT?

ME:  Yep.  He was a real catch.

CLARA:  My husband ain't blinded the cat yet.

ME:  Life taught me that you never know when he might.

By then, it had been nearly an hour and a half, and I needed to get home.  I wished Clara the best and went about my business.  I sincerely hope that she did, indeed, divorce her husband of five months who was sponging off of her and living his best life while she worked tirelessly and regretted her marriage.  I'd like to say that we exchanged numbers and became best friends, but if you read the beginning of this blog you'll know that I am terrified of the responsibilities of friendship, thus avoid forming them if possible.  But I hope Clara is out there, happy and healthy, full to bursting everyday with joy that life brings her.  She certainly deserves it.