Crushing Zen

Today I bought a cactus.  Well, he's not actually a cactus, per se, but he IS a succulent, which I think is maybe LIKE a cactus, but just on a broader scope.  Like if I bought a Snickers bar but I called it a lollipop, and even though they aren't the same thing they are both candy.  Anyway.  I was at Home Depot perusing the succulents because I needed something super tiny (and difficult to kill) for this cool new teacup planter my brother gave me for my birthday.  I was also trying very hard to be all IN THE MOMENT (we'll get to that later) when a man asked me if he could look at my shelf (as in, the same shelf I was looking at).

I think the conversation went something like this:

MAN:  Can I stand here and look at your shelf?

ME:  Sure.  Help your-shelf.

MAN:  Oh!  Clever!  (I swear, he actually said "clever."  He was quite jovial, which kind of made me love him, which is a totally unusual reaction because normally jovial people scare me off.)

ME:  Yep.  That's me.

MAN:  Are you looking for a new houseplant?

ME:  Yeah, but I don't know exactly what kind.  I figure it will speak to me when I see it and then I'll know.  That's how I operate with plants and pets.  In the meantime, I'm just standing here staring them all down.

MAN:  Well, that IS kind of the point of shopping.

ME:  I guess.  Are you looking for a new houseplant too?

MAN:  Oh, no!  I'm not shopping for anything.  I just like to putter around and see what's out there.  Every new thing I see adds joy to my life!

Okay, I’m out.

At this point, I picked out a plant and fled Home Depot because 1) I needed to go to Kroger and buy cucumbers; and 2)  This guy was starting to get on my nerves and makes me uncomfortable when people use the word "putter."  Plus, I had a lot to do.  I had already been rushing around all day long-- cleaning and laundering and exercising and running errands.  My brain is always consumed with the NEXT THING THAT HAS TO BE DONE, which is exactly how it had been all morning.  Knowing that I'm this way, I couldn't clear my head of what this guy had said about how he was just out strolling around HD, checking everything out.  “WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?” I wondered.

Later, when I got home, I told my husband, B, about my conversation with the Home Depot guy and pointed out that I had no idea how anyone had time to live their life that way.  After taking a moment to consider, B informed me that everybody has time for that if they want to take the time.  "NO.  THEY DON'T," my brain screamed.  I certainly didn’t.  I barely had time to survive, much less sit down to drink a cup of coffee, or browse in a Home Depot.

However, when I was lying in bed that night, trying to go to sleep, I kept thinking about what B said and kind of realized his point.  Nearly every minute of my day I spend trying to get stuff done and trying to be efficient.  I think part of me does this because I'm naturally kind of jittery and hate to sit still.  I think part of me does this because if I'm busy, I don't dwell as much on things I don’t want to think about, even if I need to.  And I think part of me does this because I just have a lot to do.  Regardless of the reason, even before I met the Home Depot man I would occasionally feel like I was missing out on my own life because I spend all of my time going, going, going and none of my time enjoying, enjoying, enjoying.  Even the things that are meant to be decadent, exist to be pleasurable, I usually do "efficiently."  I don't really have a glass of wine and relax, I have a glass of wine while I cook and clean.  I don't just watch tv, I watch tv while I make a grocery list and paint my nails and put reminders in the calendar on my phone.  I am the very definition of multi-task.  I am the very antonym of fun. Or at least that's how I feel most of the time. 

So, I mentally mapped out a plan to work on this.  The first thing I decided to do was to try to be more patient in situations where I couldn't really control time.  Just be IN THE MOMENT.  I looked for an opportunity, and one arose the very next day.  I needed to mail a package on my way home from the gym but when I got to the post office, the line was long and only one window was open.  This was going to take a while. To make matters worse, the customer who had finally made it to the window wanted to discuss each and every mailing option available for her oversized envelope with the mail representative, then began to peruse an entire book of available stamps because she couldn’t decide which “wouldn’t be too seasonal.”

I closed my eyes.  I was fine.  IT was fine.  I could do this.  I could be as Zen as a Buddhist monk while this woman took her time.  Following all the meditation rules I had frantically looked up on the Internet (after I had given up on sleeping the night before), I focused on my breathing.  I considered the temperature of the air on my skin.  I relaxed my facial muscles.  I contemplated all the different ways I could throw a total fit and get this woman moving along without getting arrested and permanently banned from the post office.  Oops.  It looks like I needed to work on my Zen even more than I thought I did.

Anyway, the point of all this is that I need to slow down.  Probably, a lot of us need to slow down.  I need to learn to be in the moment and relax, instead of mentally melting down because someone else is putting me ten minutes behind schedule on whatever I've got happening that day.  Some stress is unavoidable, but I was killing myself with the kind that was.

Since that day, I've had a few moments of Nirvana when I was actually able to pull my myself together and revel in a few euphoric moments without worrying about the next thing I needed to be doing-- dripping sweat during a hard workout when the endorphins kick in, kissing my son on the cheek and realizing if I do it with my eyes closed it ALMOST feels the same as it did when he was a baby and I lived to kiss his fat little cheeks.  Dropping everything when I come in the door to pet my dog because he's just so excited to see me, and trying on prom dresses with my daughter because she's big enough now to fit into juniors formal wear and I'll be damned if spinning around in a dressing room in sequins isn't one of the most joyous things ever.  You know--the good stuff.

I still have a lot of slowing down to do, and a lot of forgiving myself for not getting as much accomplished, before I can really get on board with being in the moment.  But, barring a shark attack or a meteor hit, I have time to work on it.  I'll have to be vigilant. I'll definitely fail A LOT.  But every time I don't, I think this world will hand me a beautiful sliver of peace that I didn't have before.  And that will be my reminder to keep on slowing down.  That will be another moment to savor.