Monday, August 8, 2016

Crushing Zen

Today I bought a cactus.  Well, he's not actually a cactus, per se, but he IS a succulent, which I think is maybe LIKE a cactus, but just on a broader scope.  Like if I bought a Snickers bar but I called it a lollipop, and even though they aren't the same thing they are both candy.  Anyway.  I was at Home Depot perusing the succulents because I needed something super tiny (and difficult to kill) for this cool new teacup planter Zach and Shawna gave me for my birthday and trying to be all IN THE MOMENT (we'll get to that later) when this man asked me if he could look at my shelf (as in, the same shelf I was looking at).

I think the conversation went something like this:

MAN:  Can I stand here and look at your shelf?
ME:  Sure.  Help your-shelf.
MAN:  Oh!  Clever!  (I swear, he really said "clever."  And he was all jovial and such, which all kind of made me love him, which is a totally unusual reaction because normally jovial people just piss me off.)
ME:  Yep.  That's me.
MAN:  Are you looking for a new houseplant?
ME:  Yeah, but I don't know exactly what kind.  I figure it will speak to me when I see it and then I'll know.  That's how I operate with plants and pets.  In the meantime, I'm just standing here staring them all down.
MAN:  Well, that IS kind of the point of shopping.
ME:  I guess.  Are you looking for a new houseplant too?
MAN:  Oh, no!  I'm not shopping for anything.  I just like to putter around and see what's out there.  Every new thing I see adds joy to my life!

Um.  Okay.  Haley out.

At this point, I picked out a plant and fled HD because 1) I needed to go to Kroger and buy cucumbers; and 2)  This guy was starting to get on my nerves and it really freaks me out when people use the word "putter."  Plus, I had a lot to do.  I had already been rushing around all day long-- cleaning and laundering and exercising and running errands.  My brain is always consumed with the NEXT THING THAT HAS TO BE DONE, which is exactly how it had been all morning.  Knowing that I'm this way, I couldn't clear my head of what this guy had said about how he was just out strolling around HD, checking shit out.  WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?

Later, when I got home, I told B about my conversation with the Home Depot guy and pointed out again, WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?  After taking a moment to consider, B informed me that anybody has time for that if they want to take the time.  "NO.  THEY DON'T," my brain screamed.  And even if they did, I decided to argue that they didn't, for principle, because that's what I like to do occasionally.  (I also think that when I do bother to argue for principle or any other reason, B should just concede and bow to my opinion because most of the time I don't give a shit about anything enough to argue with anyone about it.  Some people may see this as me being agreeable, but it's mostly just me being lazy.)

However, when I was lying in bed that night, trying to go to sleep, I kept thinking about what Blaker said and kind of realized his point.  Nearly every minute of my day I spend trying to get stuff done and trying to be efficient.  I think part of me does this because I'm naturally kind of jittery and hate to sit still.  I think part of me does this because if I'm busy, I don't dwell as much on things that make me sad.  And I think part of me does this because I just have a lot to do.  Regardless of the reason, even before I met the Home Depot man I would occasionally feel like I was missing out on my own life because I spend all of my time going going going and none of my time enjoying enjoying enjoying.  Even the things that are meant to be decadent, exist to be pleasurable, I usually do "efficiently."  I don't really have a glass of wine and relax, I have a glass of wine while I cook and clean.  I don't just watch tv, I watch tv while I make a grocery list and paint my nails and put stuff in the calendar on my phone.  I am the very definition of multi-task.  I am the very antonym of fun. Or at least that's how I feel most of the time. 

So, I decided to work on this.  The first thing I decided to do was to try to be more patient in situations where I couldn't really control time.  Just be IN THE MOMENT.  I looked for an opportunity, and one arose the very next day.  I needed to return a Redbox movie on my way home from the gym but when I got to the machine someone was already using it.  And it wasn't just SOMEONE.  It was my REDBOX WORST NIGHTMARE KIND OF SOMEONE.  Specifically, a teenage girl, deep in conversation on her phone complaining about some friend who who liked some guy who everybody knew liked some other girl, languidly scrolling through every single movie on the screen.  You could almost see the rudeness wafting off of her in waves, like heat does on asphalt.  As I took my place in line behind her (holding the disc I needed to return in plain sight and hoping for the best) she glanced up at me with her dead-eyed-teenage-girl-zombie stare (trust me, I taught high school-- I know this stare well) and went right back to scrolling through movies.  SHE WASN'T EVEN LOOKING AT THE SCREEN MOST OF THE TIME.  My first instinct was to throat-punch her.

I was fine.  IT was fine.  I could do this.  I could be Zen as a motherfucking Buddhist while this *ahem* lovely young lady took her time.  Following all the meditation rules I had frantically looked up on the Internet (after I had given up on sleeping the night before), I focused on my breathing.  I considered the temperature of the air on my skin.  I relaxed my facial muscles.  I contemplated all the different ways I could bring her pain while I taught her that WHEN SOMEONE IS RETURNING A MOVIE YOU MOVE YOUR ASS ASIDE AND LET THEM FUCKING DO IT IF YOU AREN'T ACTIVELY CHECKING YOUR MOVIE OUT.  Shit.  This wasn't working.

Maybe I needed to save my Zen for another time.

Anyway, the point of all this is that I need to slow down.  Probably, a lot of us need to slow down.  I need to learn to be in the moment and relax, instead of spazzing out because some asshole is putting me ten minutes behind schedule on whatever I've got happening that day.  I'm going to kill myself with unnecessary stress.

Since that day, I've had a few moments of Nirvana when I was actually able to pull my shit together and revel in a few euphoric moments without worrying about the next thing I need to be doing-- dripping sweat during a hard workout when the endorphins kick in, kissing Sutt on the cheek and realizing if I do it with my eyes closed it ALMOST feels the same as it did when he was a baby and I lived to kiss his fat little cheeks, dropping everything when I come in the door just to pet Poe because he's just so excited to see me, trying on prom dresses with Belly because she's big enough now to fit into juniors formal wear and I'll be damned if spinning around in a dressing room in sequins isn't one of the funnest things ever.  You know--the good stuff.

I still have a lot of slowing down to do, and a lot of forgiving myself for not getting as much accomplished that will have to happen before I can really get on board with being IN THE MOMENT.  But, barring being eaten by a shark or hit by a bus in the near future, I have the time to work on it.  I'll have to be vigilant. I'll definitely fail A LOT.  But every time I don't, I think this world will hand me a beautiful sliver of peace that I didn't have before.  And that will be my reminder to keep on slowing down.  That will be another moment to savor.


Marissa said...

When did this become a g*d damn self help book (blog)? Girl. Friend. I love you to death. I miss you so much. And I wish I could visit you and your succulents. I enjoyed reading this (and your last) post. I, too, have been battling the blog/social media conundrum and you may have just pushed me over the edge to start writing again. Because I really enjoyed reading what you wrote. And that's kind of why we do it, right? (Don't take points off for starting so many sentences with "because" and "and", please. Mwah!

haleystarr said...

When one has already read every self-help book in existence, one must start writing one's own gd self-help, Marissa. OBVIOUSLY. I miss you too! Come to Georgia! You should definitely write-- it makes me feel so much better when I do. (But then I get all dark and broody again and stop and then my creative muscles get atrophied and, well, shit gets real bad. You know me well enough to know that's how I seem to roll, though.) IT'S SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU!