Thursday, August 6, 2015

Today's Theme is Anxious

Sometimes my anxiety gets really, really high and I don't even realize it until I do something like, say, break my finger while I'm scrubbing the kids' bathtub (that isn't even dirty) like a madwoman at 9pm on a Tuesday night, yell and tell my husband I'm pretty sure I just broke my finger, keep scrubbing, then stop scrubbing long enough for him to wrap it in ice, and follow it with Therapeutic Mopping of the bathroom floor (which actually WAS dirty, because my son is a boy, hence he is incapable of directing his urine entirely INTO the toilet, but rather pees all AROUND the toilet).  Later when all the Random Intensive Cleaning is done and I feel more in-control, I stop and go "Oh.  I must be anxious."

You'd think I'd be more aware of my feelings.  But I'm not.

I've always been a girl who liked things with themes, and I've spent my life giving different themes to days of the week (most recently the week consisted of HUG YOUR GODDAMN MIMZ TUESDAY, WINE WEDNESDAY, and INTENSIVE CLEANING FRIDAY.)  I change them up every few years and recently realized that I needed to start afresh because I no longer have a Mimz to hug on Tuesday, I drink wine every day so Wednesday isn't special, and Intensive Cleaning Friday needed to be changed to Monday for convenience reasons (and to accommodate cleaning up the mess my family creates after a weekend with no school or work).  Therefore, I implemented ZEN WEDNESDAY-- "ZENESDAY," and FEELINGS FRIDAY.  Oh, and of course, INTENSIVE CLEANING MONDAY.

ZENESDAY is awesome because every time the kids have an argument, I make them sit and meditate over why they are being assholes to each other.  Belly is a disaster at meditation, but I've learned that Sutt is incredibly good at it and might actually have career potential as a Kundalini yogi someday (see photo below).  It's fun for me to watch and it works better than yelling at them because they hate sitting still and being quiet, so it's win-win.  Zenesday also includes making everyone be calm and happy and peaceful, which are things that I suck at, but the idea is that YOU FAKE THAT SHIT TILL YOU MAKE IT, so I'm hoping that one day maybe I will actually be calm and happy and peaceful FOR REAL.

As for FEELINGS FRIDAY, I haven't gotten that one sorted out yet except that being aware of my anxiety this week made me go OH SHIT, I NEED TO SIT DOWN AND EXPLORE WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEAD ON FEELINGS FRIDAY.  I feel like if there is an established day set aside for something, I might actually do it.  Also, when the kids are assholes on FEELINGS FRIDAY I make them write long letters to each other telling their sibling things they love about them and reminiscing over fun times they've had together.  It's pretty awesome and entertaining for me, and again, they despise it and it works great preventatively.

INTENSIVE CLEANING MONDAY should be pretty self-explanatory.  If it's not, then you should immediately stop reading my blog because you are too stupid to enjoy it.

ANYWAY.  I'm open to suggestions on themes for the other days of the week.  And for magical anxiety and broken finger cures.  Just so you know.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Melancholy Monday

Today's blog is probably going to be all over the place, because I'm feeling kind of all over the place.

First of all, yesterday I got my Mimz tattoo.  I've been planning on doing it since she passed away back in January, but I knew it was going to be an emotional experience and I wasn't sure where to go since I've never gotten a tattoo in Augusta, so I just kept putting it off.  I kept looking at fonts and I couldn't decide what I liked or what represented Mimi best.  Then one day B and I wandered into a tattoo parlor next to a restaurant where we had had lunch and spoke to them about having it done and everything in my brain just screamed "NO NO NO NO" so I just left and put it on hold.  But August 12th would have been her birthday, and I wanted to have it done before then.  Yesterday I was suddenly struck with the feeling that I NEEDED TO GO LOOK INTO IT, STAT STAT, so I grabbed B, found a sheet of paper on which I wrote her name myself, and headed to a tattoo parlor I'd never even been into before.  I planned to just talk to the guy there about setting up an appointment, but when I went in the door, his puppy ran out into the room, which kind of seemed like a sign.  Then, "Sweet Child of Mine" came on the radio and MIMZ LOVED HER SOME GNR, so that was it.  It was over.  It took only a few minutes, and James (the tattoo artist) was very sweet and supportive and gave me a big hug when it was over.

I'm glad it's done.  I'm glad it's in my handwriting.  I'm glad that whenever I look in the mirror when I brush my teeth or put on my makeup, I see it.  It makes me happy.

On to today.  Today feels like one of those days where the Universe just keeps throwing me roadblocks.  I got up and went to Boot Camp at the gym, but it literally almost killed me because for whatever reason, my blood sugar was about 200 points higher than it needed to be and for anybody who has diabetes, you know that high sugar makes you feel sick anyway.  Throw in an hour of Boot Camp and, hello, welcome to Hell.  When I got home I showered and dropped Belly off at a friend's house, then tried to take Sutt to get the last of his school supplies (which he had already thrown a fit about having to do and was pouting hardcore in the backseat) when we were detoured by a broken down train in the middle of Augusta.  I don't know my way around Augusta all that well yet, my GPS is a magical mystery to me most of the time, and everywhere we turned there was another detour (IT WAS A BIG DAMN TRAIN).  I finally found something I recognized, gave up, and just came home.  Then I baked lasagna for dinner tonight because we have two school open houses and a doctor's appointment to attend from 4:30 on so I won't have time to cook later, and realized after I had it in the oven that I had completely left out the mozzarella cheese--that's, like, one of the main ingredients.  Just totally left it out.  While it sat on the counter and mocked me.  Awesome.

On top of all this, I'm just sad.  A friend of mine lost her younger brother last night to cancer, and it just BREAKS me.  I didn't know him, she and I are not close, but she is lovely and wonderful, and very close to her brother.  I learned from losing Dad that when you lose someone you adore, NOTHING can make it better.  There is nothing anyone can do to fix it.  And I hate it when someone I know, regardless of how well I know them, is hurting and I CAN'T DO A DAMN THING.  I hate things that don't make sense.  I hate when I can't do anything to help.  Seeing her family go through what they have the past few months has really made me think.  When her brother was sent home from the hospital and told he only had a month left, her family was amazing.  They celebrated Thanksgiving and had Christmas and did all these things for him and with him that were SO positive and SO loving and really worked hard to make the time they had left together joyous and memorable.  I admire that so much because I don't know how you pull together that kind of strength.  When the doctor told me that my Dad didn't have much time left, he lived another 6 weeks, and during that time I think I only cried and desperately looked for any magical pill, drug, herb, diet, or cure I could find.  There was none.  And deep inside I knew that.  He just slept and suffered and watched a lot of tv.  He was nearly silent, and I couldn't make him talk to me.  I wish so much now that I had had the wisdom and composure and TOUGHNESS to take that time and make it as happy as I could for my Dad, somehow.  Done SOMETHING for him to bring him joy.  It hurts to think about.  I fucked up and there's nothing I can ever do to change it.

Sometimes, the world just pisses me off.