Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Settling Down

Thus far, 2013 has been an interesting year.  By the end of January, I had already traveled across the country and back, skipped my own wedding in lieu of having cocktails with my favorite celebrity (and her dogs), worn shorts in Virginia on a 72-degree day then a week later bundled up for four inches of snow, had a kid get two teeth knocked out, and entered rehab.  I'll write about some of that another day.

But for now, let's talk about rehab.

First of all, this is Emotional Rehab, not rehab for something cool like an addiction to Jack Daniels or opium, so don't start high-fiving me for being a rockstar. It's a forty day program that is supposed to shift my way of thinking from constantly expecting the world to backhand me across the face to believing that the Universe really DOES have my back.  These past four years have been the toughest of my life, and left me feeling really broken and angry.  Once I finally realized this myself I knew that I needed to do something about it, and The Course is what I have chosen.  At this point, it's fucking hard as all hell-- believing that I can let go of the death grip I have on always being in control and know that everything will always work out for the best.  It has been a bitter pill to swallow learning that having loved people intensely and then lost them completely is better than never having had them at all.  But hey, nothing really good is ever easy.  I'm starting to learn that if I give a little, I can get a lot back.

I know this isn't a funny, sarcastic Haley blog (I promise regardless of my attempted mind-shift, my sarcasm and inherent cynicism really won't be going anywhere)  but it's where I'm at.  It has helped to quit using Facebook to communicate with my friends (I rarely use it for anything but adding the occasional photo so that my Mom can see it from wherever the fuck she is in the world at that moment) and actually attempting to create interpersonal relationships.  Turns out that I LIKE getting together with friends on a Saturday night for no other reason than to be around good company.  Who would have thought?  Never anti-social me, that's for damn sure.  I know it sounds all hippie-ish and shit, but I'm supposed to quit focusing on everyone as different people, and instead see our sameness-- we're all spirits who are in this together.  We're on this earth to learn and grow, THAT'S the purpose of life.  It doesn't matter if we're black or white, Baptist or Buddhist, surgeon or secretary.  We all have our own light.  We all have our own peace.  And struggle as I might, I think I may finally be finding a little of mine.