Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I have this theory that the Great Scheme of Things is just that: A Scheme

I've been working lately on trying to destress my life. Granted, my life only really has little stresses in it--meeting writing deadlines, getting Belly to preschool on time, not crashing the car while I'm turning around helping Sutt with his juice, never being able to find all the matching socks when I do laundry, dealing with my nutso family, forgetting 14 different things at the store while knowing that there's no way in hell I'm going back for them with both kids in tow.... but still, it's stress. I'm high stress. Always have been, thought I always would be, but now maybe not so much. Great focus in my day-to-day life is now put on saying "Screw it." (Well, actually, I was saying, "Fuck it," but then Bellamy said it on the way home from preschool today when she dropped her drink, and although I think it's a great mantra for her and would drastically reduce the drama in my life if she said that more often, she probably shouldn't go around saying "Fuck it," especially in mixed--and preschool--company.) I can't help but wonder, however, as I'm shrugging my shoulders and throwing caution to the wind about so many things, could these things in fact someday end up having an impact that I can't yet fathom? Could the author who wrote "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" really be terribly, terribly wrong? I mean, it's all "small stuff" that makes up the "big stuff." For example, my Mom forgot her mammogram a few years in a row. Missing a doctor's appointment--small stuff. Then she found out she had Stage IV breast cancer that could have easily have been detected much earlier and treated much more easily with those routine mammograms she missed. But then on the other hand, is it really all that important if I forgot to pack tights in Bellamy's dance bag? Or will that somehow, someday come back to bite me? Maybe there's not a great "overall" or "grand plan." Maybe all we've got is each little thing. But while I work on figuring it out, I'm going to enjoy the times that I can think "I just don't give a damn," and really mean it.