Tuesday, August 9, 2016

More Conversations With My Family

I was cleaning out my blog "Drafts" folder, and found this one that I actually wrote last November, but never published.  In honor of my friend Marissa, who pointed out that my blog is becoming a self-help book (blog?), I am publishing it as proof that, despite my introspection, the McPhails are still.....well, the McPhails, and we still need all the help (self or otherwise) we can get.
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These all took place this week, and are excellent glimpses into what LIFE AS A MCPHAIL is like.

1.  Between Me and Blaker:

B:  Did you know that Neal's dad got rid of his alpacas?
H:  WHAT?  Why would anyone lucky enough to have an alpaca get RID of it?  HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK IF WE WANTED DIBS.
B:  I think it was something to do with it not being lucrative.
H:  I don't need a LUCRATIVE alpaca.  I'm happy with a regular one.
B:  I know, right?
H.  We have a GREAT yard for alpacas too.
B:  Yeah.  Because it's hilly.  Like Argentina.
H:  And there's even that little space between the neighbor's fences that we could have used as a corral.  Or a naughty pen.  ALPACA, YOU'VE BEEN AN ASSHOLE.  GET IN YOUR NAUGHTY PEN!
B:  They still have their fainting goats.
H:  NOT SOLD.  I want the alpaca.
B:  I'll talk to Neal Senior.


2.  Between Me and Sutt

H:  Has anyone wished you a Happy Hanukkah yet?
S:  No.
H:  Me neither.  Losers.
S:  We don't celebrate Hanukkah.
H:  SO?  People could AT LEAST BE CORDIAL AND FESTIVE.
S:  Somebody at school wished me Happy KwanzaChristmaKkuh.
H:  What the hell is that?
S:  I don't know.  He said he was covering all his bases.  Do we even celebrate KwanzaChristmaKkuh?
H.  Do you ever remember us celebrating something called KwanzaChristmaKkuh?
S:  That's not the one where you plant trees, right?
H:  Um, no.


3. Between Me and Belly

B:  (bopping around the house in a Santa hat)  Oh the weather outside is....(pause)....sunny and seventy-five degrees, and a fire would be delightful, but since we've no place to go, LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW.
H:  That's beautiful, Bells.
B.  Thanks.  Do you think there's any chance it will snow this year for Christmas?
H:  Well, we have the air conditioner on and Sutt's outside right now playing in shorts where I'm making sure he drinks water every hour so he doesn't have a heatstroke, so....yes?  Definitely snow for Christmas.
B:  Yay!  I can't wait!


4.  Between Me and Sutt:

H:  Okay.  I just need to run into the store and buy some mesh to make a garland, then we can leave.
S:  FINE.  I want to go home.
H:  We'll be fast, I promise.  Here it is.
S:  THAT'S NOT MESH.  IT'S TULLE.
H:  No it's not.  IT'S MESH.
S:  No, it's tulle.  I KNOW WHAT TULLE IS, MOMMY.
H:  You're a 10-year-old boy.  You SHOULDN'T know what tulle is.
S:  But I do.  And that's tulle.  Not mesh.
H:  Sutt, this is MESH.  Tulle is thinner and fluffier.  See how this is kinda wiry?
S:  Yeah.  I guess.
H:  Feel it.
S:  Well, it LOOKS like tulle?  Why would they make two things that look just alike and call them different things?  AND CAN'T YOU JUST USE TULLE?
H:  They don't.  And no.  I can't.
S:  (deep sigh)  FINE.  I need some gold beads.
H:  Gold beads?  Why?
S:  FOR MY DECORATING.
H:  What are you decorating?
S:  MY ROOM.  FOR CHRISTMAS.  Geez, Mommy.  I put my stuff up and I thought it would look really nice if I had some gold beads.
H:  Okay.  That's weird, but....okay.  I have some leftover red beads that I used to put on the Christmas tree if you want those.  They're in a box at home.
S:  Nope.  Gotta have gold or they won't match.
H:  You're wearing Carolina blue basketball shorts and a bright green shirt.  Since when do you care about matching?
S:  I LIKE MY DECORATING TO MATCH.
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Now we all see why I read so many self-help books.


1 comment:

Marissa said...

We can clearly all learn a lot from you guys. Keep it up sista.