Thursday, July 14, 2016

Which Way Do I Go?

I think all of us reach a time at some point in our lives where we are just face-slammed with change.  Though I know that change is constant and is always happening around us, I think the amount of change we are dealing with at any given time varies a great deal.  Sometimes, changes are slight and trickling, like a drizzly day.  But other times--well, other times you are in a Change Monsoon.  Those times when our circumstances or ourselves are so overloaded with change that waking up every single day seems weird as hell because there's so much happening that you can't even keep up with it all.  From my observations, people seem to handle this occurrence in one of two ways.  Some people thrive when their worlds are all akimbo, and draw energy from all the motion around them.  Some people tuck and roll and just try to hang in there until the world stops spinning and they can scramble to regain some semblance of their foothold on their lives.  My best friend, Ray, is the former, while I am much more of the latter.

I've been tucking and rolling and scrambling a lot.  Still am.

This past year, maybe year-and-a-half, has felt a lot like someone carefully scooped up my neat, tidy little life, settled it gently in my Ninja blender, hit the HIGH button, and wandered off.  For a year and a half.  Needless to say, I'VE BEEN MIXED UP REAL GOOD, UNIVERSE.  THANKS FOR THAT.  (Look how positive that sounds.  YOU CAN ALREADY TELL I'VE CHANGED, CAN'T YOU?)

I've written a lot in the past year, but it has mostly been in my journal or in letters to friends.  I haven't blogged much because I've been at an impasse with myself.  Part of me knows that some mystical, invisible chapter of my life has come to a close and feels that regarding Starrtrippin', I'm kind of just done.  I haven't had any desire to say much to anyone. I don't care if anyone reads what I write.  I don't really care what anyone else is doing.  I don't even use Facebook very often because the artificiality and the negativity make me feel like my soul is drowning.  (Yeah, I know.  B would tell me to "save the drama for my llama," but that's just HOW I FEEL.)   And it's just not important to me anymore.  More than anything, it all feels silly.

I started a new chapter somewhere.

Blaker pushes me to keep blogging, just because he knows that my brain appreciates the creative outlet.  But if I'm going to keep doing that, I think I'm at a turning point.  I think things are going to have to head in a new direction, because somehow, a while back, I turned in a new direction without even realizing it, and I'm too far gone down that new path to come back.  So, what to do?  Old blog, new tricks?  New blog, new me?  No blog, keep giving the collective world the cold shoulder?

My brain has so many things to say.  I just don't know where/how/to who.