Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Lady Bits

I love being a girl.  I love hot rollers (it's the Tennessee in me), makeup (more mascara, please), perfume, lotions and products (gotta have hairspray for those hot roller curls).  I love dresses and tights and girlie pajamas and hair accessories.  I LOVE jewelry, even cheap costume jewelry, which is mostly what I wear lest it get broken or lost.  I LOVE heels.  I love nail polish.  It's all awesome.


Despite how much I love all this stuff, I do think that it's ridiculously unfair that women are expected to put so much effort into how they look when (most) guys don't put any effort into how they look at all.  (Disclaimer:  I am not talking about B's expectations-- he couldn't care less if I went out with him in workout clothes with sweaty hair and no makeup.  I know this for a fact because I've done it many, many times.  I've actually had to point out to him that there are places I would rather NOT go this way because I LIKE to look nice, and he seemed completely oblivious to the point.  I'm talking about society in general.)  It's not just the hair and makeup and clothes that are involved in going somewhere, but it's the UPKEEP.   A lot of women I know regularly get manis and pedis and facials and waxes and highlights.  They work their asses off at the gym to tone up those finally-done-having-babies bodies and exfoliate regularly.  They tweeze their eyebrows.  They bleach their teeth.  Hell, it's a full-time job JUST TO BE A WOMAN.  

Men?  Well, with a couple of friends who are exceptions (both gay and straight), men don't do SHIT.  You know what B does for self maintenance?  He showers at night, washes his face in the morning with plain old soap, and shaves his head about once a month.  And occasionally trims his fingernails.  THAT'S IT.  I HAVE FOUR DIFFERENT KINDS OF FACE WASH, THREE DIFFERENT SHAMPOOS, THREE DIFFERENT CONDITIONERS, TWO BODY WASHES, GIRLIE SOAP, AND AN EXFOLIATING SUGAR SCRUB JUST IN MY SHOWER, FOLKS.  It looks like an aisle at Sephora.  Don't even get me started on my nail polish bin or makeup drawer.  B's product list in its entirety consists of nothing more than a bar of Ivory.  And a man would likely be considered completely ridiculous if he did HALF the things ladies do to maintain their appearance.  I would certainly think it was damn stupid.  If B did almost any of the things I do to look pretty I would laugh my ass off at him and never let him live it down.  Then I would laugh some more.  Then I would probably take video and post it on social media, and laugh some more.

And then this morning, I learned about something new. 

I spend a lot of time reading random articles and essays, and today I read one by Jenny Slate featured in the "Lenny" newsletter.  You can find it really easily online if you look.  The article was about a new trend amongst the fancy crowd, specifically in NYC and LA.  This trend is called "the Vajacial," and it's a facial for your vagina.  Literally.  It's all about aesthetics, which means the vajacial exists to make your vagina more attractive.  Because you know EVERYBODY is wandering around looking at EVERYBODY else and thinking, "I hope her vagina is glamorous.  I mean, the rest of her looks great, but I hope she hasn't let her Queen Victoria go all to hell."  Anyway.  So it seems that the aesthetician cleanses and tones and tweezes random ingrown hairs and puts some kind of masque on your vagina, then lightens the skin to hide any redness or dark spots, and then turns you and your newly fancy vagina out to face the world.  Sweet.

Because we haven't already spent enough time as ladies doing the REST of the shit that we do to be pretty.  Now we need fancy vaginas.  Not just manicured vaginas (I'm supportive of a simply maintained vagina, don't get me wrong), but FANCY VAGINAS.  Note that I haven't read any articles about Pimping Your Penis or Festooning Your Phallus.  (Although that might make for an interesting submission to "Men's Health....)  

I do not foresee The Vajacial becoming a part of my beauty regiment.  However, seeing as how the Ladies of Augusta roll, I expect to see this advertised in a spa near me soon.  I also feel strongly that, since monograms are ALMOST proportionate to Jesus down here, some pubic hair monogram waxing could really bring in the big bucks for whatever salon jumps on it first.  I plan to keep an eye out at the gym locker room for evidence that someone has implemented this idea.  And then I'm going to show them the date on my blog and ask for royalties, bitches.

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