Thursday, July 30, 2015

I'm Dangerous When I'm Bored

When I'm super bored, like I am today, I get an insane amount of pleasure from fucking with people.  I tend to do this in person occasionally (more often than not with my family, but if the opportunity presents I love to mess with strangers too), here on my blog, or, more often than not, on Facebook.

I mean, seriously, what else is Facebook there for?

The people who know me in person and who have spent time with me ("real friends" versus "FB friends") can generally tell when I'm screwing with their heads.  At the very least, they know me well enough to realize after the fact that they shouldn't get too worked up about it because IT'S WHAT I DO.  IT'S PART OF MY CHARM.  If they didn't know that, we wouldn't be friends in the first place.

You see, growing up, I was always a "pleaser."  I wanted to make my parents proud.  I wanted to be accepted and admired and avoid all conflict.  Then, sometime during the Spring of 2001, I realized TO HELL WITH THAT.  I JUST WANT AN INTERESTING LIFE.  I think most people do this when they become adults.  Also, due to my social aversion, I rarely give a shit what anybody thinks about what I say or do because I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU ANYWAY so I have no problem saying COMPLETELY ridiculous things (that I often don't even believe) just to set off other people's crazy or make them wonder about my own.

It's fun.

Which is why:

1.   I like to tell my black friends that Obama is a terrible president BECAUSE HE'S BLACK (not true-- I mean, he is a terrible president, but it's not because he's black, it's because he came into a giant mess with no experience to clean it up.  And I even voted for him the FIRST time because Palin was such an idiot I sure as hell didn't want her as our VP.  It's just fun to watch them lose their minds.  Note that I ONLY do this with my FRIENDS though.  I may be an asshole, but I would never say that to a stranger.)  I also really enjoying telling everyone that I don't like Asians because they are just too damn happy (I DO say this to strangers).  THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.  It also tends to confuse people and they never seem sure how to respond when I say that.  And it's even funnier because I have two Asian stepsisters.  It's also funny because my sister-in-law is extremely politically correct and it took her YEARS to not take anything I said seriously, so I'm pretty sure she hated me for the first 5 or 6 years after she married my brother.  Now we're best friends.

2.  I like to tell conservative, white, Republican men (particularly strangers, because they will believe me) that I think abortion is perfectly acceptable because I'VE HAD KIDS AND THAT SHIT ISN'T FUN TO DEAL WITH OR PAY FOR.  Do you KNOW how many people I've pissed off with my abortion banter?  A LOT.  (The ironic thing is that it's usually MEN who get so worked up about this.  I always want to laugh because REALLY?  Men shouldn't even get a say-so in that conversation.  Oooh, how many people did I just piss off with that comment?)  I've BEEN there--pregnant while on birth control and told I couldn't have kids anyway, unmarried, young, and not making much money.  Obviously, I didn't have an abortion, or Bellamy wouldn't be here.  But people never seem to put those pieces together.  PULL IT TOGETHER,  YOU STODGY OLD MEN.  YOU'LL LIVE LONGER IF YOU JUST LEARN TO IGNORE ME, BECAUSE YOU KNOW MY COMMENTS ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOUR ALREADY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.

3.  I like to make it very clear that if you are a Pisces or a Capricorn I WILL NOT LIKE YOU BECAUSE I'M A GEMINI AND YOU ANNOY ME.  This one is fun because if I tell it to someone as soon as I meet them and say it with a totally straight face and a lot of emotion, they are always left speechless.  THEN I JUST WALK AWAY.  Mic drop.

4.  I enjoy scaring people I don't know, in totally non-scary situations.  Like, you're standing in an aisle at Target and there's someone five feet away and suddenly you jump at them and yell "Boo!"  HAVE YOU EVER TRIED THIS?  If not, you should.  One day, I will likely get my ass kicked for it so I don't do it often and when I do I try to do it to teenagers who are less likely to punch me or have a heart attack and die from the surprise.  BUT IT'S SO FUN.

5.  I like to leave completely inappropriate comments on my FB friends' statuses.  Particularly my friend E because she's a devoted mother of six, presents herself as much more normal than I suspect she really is, and has a lot of conservative and religious friends, specifically Catholic ones.  Over the years I've had one friend whose parents asked her to unfriend me because I was GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL AND SHE SHOULDN'T BE AROUND THAT INFLUENCE, at least 100 people unfriend me just because they didn't like what I said on SOMEONE ELSE'S PAGE, and I've made a lot of my family's friends who have never met me REALLY REALLY ENTHUSIASTICALLY ANGRY.  Once, I got a death threat THROUGH MY BLOG COMMENTS.  That was pretty much the highlight of my blogging career.

Lighten up, people.  Things aren't always what they seem.  And be careful if you're ever standing next to me at Target.

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