Tuesday, July 14, 2015
I'm struggling a little more than usual today missing my Dad. You would think after six years, six months, and eight days, this wouldn't happen, but it does and I'm inclined to think it will probably never totally stop. These days come less frequently now than they used to, but I don't think I'll ever be totally free of days that are just HARD because he's gone. I can't call him and freak out when things get overwhelming and hear him promise me that everything is going to be okay. I can't sit next to him on the sofa and just feel better because he's there and he makes me feel safe. I can't hang out on a stool in his workshop and talk about any and everything while he works on his latest project. I miss those things. A lot.
I don't really like to put my real feelings out there a lot, but today I'm blogging about it because I'm hoping if I spit it out, I'll feel better. I also know I have a couple of friends who are struggling the same way I am right now, and maybe they'll read this and maybe they'll feel better. Solidarity, sistahs. It sucks. I understand.
I decided to compile a list of things that have happened lately that I wish I could share with my Daddy. Things that would make him happy. Things that would make him proud. Dad always did love a good list (at least we know where I get it from).
1. We recently bought a desk for Bellamy's bedroom, and then realized that it would benefit Sutt to have one too for homework or Legos or whatever. I talked to him about what kind he would like and his response was that he wanted Blaker to BUILD him one, not buy him one. Of course B was stoked (although he's rather slow at it due to his penchant for perfectionism, B loves him some good carpentry and woodworking time). His one caveat was that Sutt had to HELP him build it, which Sutt was thrilled to do, so they headed off to Home Depot and spent the weekend measuring, constructing, sanding, and painting. This is the finished product.
My Dad could literally build ANYTHING, so the fact that Sutt is learning to build things too would make my Dad super happy. One of the biggest heartbreaks for me in not having my Dad is that my kids lost out on the opportunity to learn all the things he looked forward to teaching them-- how to fish, how to camp, how to build and plant and just DO things. My Dad could do anything.
2. The last time my Daddy saw Belly, she was 5. She still had baby fat, had never lost a tooth, and and was obsessed with princesses. Now she's long and lean and nearly as tall as I am, STILL hasn't lost enough teeth (at least not enough to get braces yet, but at least she's lost some), and is obsessed with Percy Jackson and unicorns. I don't even know if he would recognize her. I don't know if he would recognize EITHER of them (although Sutt looks like him, so that might help). I mean, check this out--this was what they looked like when my Dad died, and what they look like now:
All these years later, Belly can't pronounce the words "aluminum" or "innocent" to save her life. Sutt gets angry when he watches House Hunters Beachfront Bargain Hunt (which he loves) because they show "coming up" teasers before the commercials and he says "it spoils what's going to happen because it takes the surprise away!" My kids are SO DAMN WEIRD. Coming from B and I that's probably to be expected, but STILL. I LOVE their weirdness. My Dad was kind of weird too, and he would have reveled in their quirks and their individuality. I wish I could say "Dad, LOOK HOW AWESOMELY WEIRD THEY ARE!" and hear his response. It would be priceless.
3. My Dad always loved B. They got along really well and had a lot of the same interests, even if they were nothing alike. Dad thought B was brilliant (he is) and respected and admired him for being such a good husband and Dad, and I wish Dad could see how B has only gotten better over the years. How he adores and spends time with his kids, how he always puts me first. How hard he works and how far he's come in his career and just in his own maturity. We are so lucky to have him, and Dad knew that already, but I still wish he could see how we are as a family, six more years down the road.
4. Dad has a granddaughter now that he never got to meet, never knew was coming. A WHOLE NEW PERSON! How amazing is that? A beautiful, hilarious granddaughter who has white-blond hair and jet-black eyelashes and can give the meanest death-stares I've ever seen. Mia inherited my brother's ability to give zero fucks about shit that doesn't matter, and she inherited her Mommy's awesomeness. She has Belly's fashion sense, and Sutt's love of playing rough. Although she looks a lot like both Zach and Shawna, I like to think she looks a little like me too. Here's me and my Dad when I was little:
This is Zach and Mia:
5. And most importantly of all (obviously)-- I REALLY WISH MY DAD COULD HAVE WATCHED "BREAKING BAD." I realize this doesn't necessary fit with the sappy stuff I wrote above, but DAMN IT, Dad would have LOVED that show. Walter White reminded me of my Dad in so many ways (so much that the show was often hard to watch) and my sweet, rule-following, do-no-harm Dad would have loved living vicariously through Walter White. I think it's a travesty that it wasn't created until after Dad was already gone. Damn you, Breaking Bad creators, for not getting your shit together in 2003 or 2004, so that Dad could have watched the series. You probably missed out on your biggest fan.
So there. That's all I got in me. Dad, I hope you're listening somewhere, looking somewhere. I hope this isn't all lost on you. I wish you weren't lost on us. I miss you.