Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Keeping Afloat

This past week I've been drowning in a tsunami of anxiety, and I feel like I'm just now getting my head far enough above the water to catch my breath.  There's just been a lot of shit going on, and I am not a girl who handles chaos well.  Or at all.  CHAOS IS NOT MY FRIEND.  Rather than unloading on everybody all the things that have STRESSED ME THE FUCK OUT, I decided to instead tell you the things that MADE ME FEEL THE FUCK BETTER.  Like:

1.  My new mug from Missy. 

Let me tell you folks, there isn't just a "chance" this is wine.  There is also a "chance" this is vodka and watermelon juice, tequila, or whatever-the-fuck-my-hands-grabbed-first-from-the-liquor-cabinet.  BUT NOBODY REALLY KNOWS, RIGHT?  BECAUSE IT'S IN A COFFEE MUG.  Everybody knows that you can't question someone drinking innocently out of a coffee mug (or a Tervis cup in church during a wedding, for the record).  That Missy, she's a genius.  Love her. 

2.  Drunk dancing with old men.  Specifically, B's 93-year-old Grandpa, Papa.
I would assume that Papa has mad dancing skills.  Unfortunately, I did not get to find out because his walker was in the way and B blocked me before I could fling it to the side and snatch Papa up and teach him how to twerk.  Apparently, twerking with Papa is frowned upon at family weddings (and most other events including, but not limited to, Easter and Christmas).

3.  Mimi, my Emotional Support Animal (certified and trained, obviously).
I know this look well.  It's the "feed me or I'm gonna cutta bitch" look.  I get this a lot.  SHE STILL MAKES ME HAPPY.  She's deaf, mostly blind, can no longer jump up on the furniture or climb steps well, she snores like a lumberjack, and she prefers to ignore me unless it's mealtime.  But I love her dearly.  I've always had a penchant for loving things that didn't love me back.

4.  Knowing that Belly has a clear career path.
It breaks my heart to say that I actually MISSED THIS GOING DOWN.  But, as the story goes, my daughter was on a porch full of drunk adults, hula hooping for money.  Like, people were THROWING CASH AT HER.  I swear to God this is true.  The kid came home with $20.  I can't wait to see what she can do on a pole in Vegas when she's 18.  I'm a proud mother.

5.  Seeing Lola engrossed in Game of Thrones.
Obviously, God created "special" dogs for "special" people.  Like this.  Lo's got her mind on the Iron Throne and the Iron Throne on her mind.  If I had the ability to relax to this extent, I would be set for life.

6.  This shit.
I know you're waiting on me to say something clever here, but I got nothing.  I got nothing but WHAT THE FUCK?

7.  'Cause 7's a good number.
Judging by Bell's hula hooping skills and Potamus's adoration of Bell, I suspect that Potamus may someday too earn her Benjamins in an under-the-table-with-no-taxes-taken-out sort of way.  Yeah, that's a sequin beret on her head.  Yeah, she has a stuffed toy named "Gangsta Bunny."  I'm not only a proud mother, I'm also a proud aunt.  My family rules.


Cheers to not drowning :)  Happy Tuesday.










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