Wednesday, March 5, 2014

And Now It's.....March....

After January, March is my least favorite month of the year.  It's gray, it's cold, it's windy.
IT BLOWS.  (Note that that is not a pun on March being windy.  It's just how I feel about March, in general.)  I hate March.

I realize that nobody who is born in March can help it, so I'm not going to bash those guys, but I will say that I rarely get along with those who are Pisces (Meredith and Janine, you are my two exceptions).  March babies (at least the first-half-of-the-month ones) are usually flaky and flighty and I don't trust them.  And I've never understood people who get married in March.  "Hey, let's get married in a mediocre month and have a mediocre marriage because WE'RE MEDIOCRE," is what a March anniversary screams.  Seriously.  I don't care what your reason is, that's what everybody is thinking about you.

So why have March at all?

A LIST OF REASONS WHY THE WORLD SHOULD CANCEL MARCH PERMANENTLY, EXCEPT FOR THE 30TH AS IT IS MY DARLING HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY (DON'T WORRY, HE'S AN ARIES, NOT A PISCES) AND SINCE HE REALLY LIKES HIS BIRTHDAY HE WOULD BE REALLY, REALLY SAD IF IT WAS PERMANENTLY CANCELED BY OBAMA OR JESUS OR, WELL, ANYBODY, MYSELF INCLUDED, THEREFORE THIS IS ACTUALLY JUST A LIST OF REASONS WHY MARCH SHOULD ONLY CONSIST OF ONE DAY-- MARCH 30

1.  Nobody needs St. Patrick's Day.~  WHY DO IRISH PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE SO SPECIAL?  They aren't.  I like Scottish people.  SCOTS ARE SPECIAL.  (Except for kilts.  Kilts are ridiculously stupid.)  The only good part about St. Patrick's Day is the Post Family's annual Wearin' of the Green party, but they are moving to Rhode Island this summer, after which I will likely never acknowledge St. Patrick's Day again.  Although now that I think about it, I do support a holiday celebrated mainly by drinking beer, AND Sutt was conceived one frisky St. Patrick's Day evening, proving that it's an EXCELLENT day to make a baby.  However, as of next year I believe I shall choose to think of the holiday as BEER AND SUTT DAY, represented by Sutt's favorite color, Carolina Blue.  Feel welcome to join me.

2.  March Easters suck. ~Easter, and spring break, rarely ever fall in March and when they do it's cold and gray and windy, as I pointed out earlier.  It's really freakin' hard to focus on Jesus busting out of his tomb or the Easter Bunny delivering his baskets when it's 40 degrees outside and everything is still muddy from the FREAK MARCH SNOWSTORMS YOU KEEP HAVING.  Beach Week isn't so great if you have to wear a a coat and boots--trust me, I've been there.  Nobody wants spring break in March.

3.  Bad things happen on the Ides of March.~  Now, for those of you who are very poorly read (or are surgeons), the Ides of March falls on March 15 and is a legendarily cursed day.  It first became infamous in Shakespeare's play "Julius Caesar" when a soothsayer told Caesar to watch his back on the Ides of March.  Caesar didn't, and he got stabbed.  BAD SHIT.  Also falling on the Ides of March, the US has faced a horrendous blizzard (1941) that killed over 150 people, Hitler took away the Jews' right to vote (1938), SARS was announced (2003), and the movie "Titanic" took away the title from "Star Wars" as the highest grossing film in US history (1998).  I loved me some Jack Dawson, but, seriously-- STAR WARS IS LEGENDARY.  Just ask my son-- he'll tell you that he's never even heard of "Titanic," but he's seen "Star Wars" approximately 731 times since he turned 4 and became obsessed with it in 2009.  Anyway, get rid of March, get rid of the Ides.  It only makes sense.

4.  March is full of absolutely useless "days."~  For example:  "Save A Spider Day" (March 14)-- really?  We need to save them?  Because I'm all about squishing those sons of bitches.  "Hexagonal Awareness Month"-- WHAT THE FUCK?  "Self Injury Awareness Day" (Marcy 1)-- if you are self-injuring, do you REALLY need a specific day during which to become aware?  If so, you've got more problems than a "day" is going to solve.  "Bisexual Health Awareness Month"-- I have no problem with bisexuals.  As a matter of fact, B keeps encouraging me to BECOME one (hasn't happened yet, but he's still trying).  Do bisexuals really need their own MONTH for health awareness though?  A month seems a little excessive to me.  Take a day off and go in for a physical, whether you are bisexual or not.  PROBLEM SOLVED.  Because I guarantee you that if you take a few days off in March and pin it on "Bisexual Health Awareness," your employer isn't falling for that shit, and if he is, it's because he wants to come over and video you with your bisexual partner.

5.  What starts in March doesn't end well.~  My first date with my ex-husband was on March 27.  Note that HE IS MY EX-HUSBAND.  My first tattoo, obtained on a whim, after I had just rolled out of bed after a terrible break-up with a boyfriend who had broken my heart, roused by a girlfriend who said, "Hey, let's go get tattoos!" ended up being an African violet on my hip.  THANK GOD I DIDN'T GET A DAGGER WITH HIS NAME ON IT OR SOMETHING EQUALLY STUPID.  March is a month of bad decisions.  If you make a decision in March, let's hope it's not something you have to live with forever (like a tattoo).

Learn from this.  And HAPPY EARLY BEER AND SUTT DAY.

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