Monday, September 16, 2013

The Rundown

I know lots of people who are runners.  They run for fun, they run for exercise, they run to clear their heads, they run solely for the party and the beer at the end of half-marathons.....you get the idea.  I AM NOT ONE OF THESE PEOPLE.

"Oh, but Haley," you say, "Didn't you break your foot while running back in April?"  Why, yes.  Yes, I did.  Which I promptly took as a sign from Jesus to STOP FUCKING RUNNING.  I get that it's great cardio, but I hate it, it's awful.  I hated it then and I hate it now.  You know how some people joke around and say, "The only way I would run is if someone was chasing me with a knife," when the topic of running arises?  Well, I wouldn't even run then.  I would straight up throw down and go all Krav Maga on that knife-brandishing maniac before I'd run.  (Mom, I know you have no idea what Krav Maga is, and if you try to Google it, you'll end up spelling it wrong, which will somehow lead to you coming to believe that it's some sort of perverse sexual act.  THEREFORE, I will just tell you that Krav Maga is a form of Israeli Street Fighting which is far more badass than "twae kondo"--this, readers, is how my mother believes "tae kwon do" is spelled AND pronounced, hence the explanation I have just given.)  Anyway, bottom line?  I don't fucking run.

Where am I going with this?  I'M GETTING THERE.

I have decided that one of my Purposes In Life is to spread message of "Don't Run" to others and to share in fellowship with other non-runners and reformed runners who no longer run.  Therefore, I have compiled a list of REASONS YOU SHOULDN'T FUCKING RUN BESIDES THE OBVIOUS REASONS LIKE "IT SUCKS" AND "I'M NOT SURE I HAVE THE CORRECT FOOTWEAR" WHICH, WHILE GOOD REASONS AND PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE WITH ME, DON'T SEEM TO HOLD ANY WATER WITH PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY LIKE AND PRACTICE RUNNING

*Disclaimer:  If you ARE a runner, I do not hate you and think you are stupid.  I just think you are one of those people who regularly makes BAD CHOICES.  I'm here to help.  LET ME HELP YOU.

1.   RUNNING MAKES YOU THIRSTY.  I hate being thirsty.  And since you really can't run while carrying a water bottle (or a glass of wine) without feeling all awkward and out-of-sorts, running makes you dehydrated.  And you know what happens when you get dehydrated?  You pass out (at least, I do-- this happens a couple of times a year).  So when you get back from running you have to drink fluids to rehydrate your body.  And you know what fluids DO NOT WORK WELL TO REHYDRATE YOUR BODY?  VODKA OR WINE.  That, my friends, is a fact.  If you go running, then come back all sweaty and disheveled and NEED a dirty martini, you're probably going to vomit.  Or faint.  Or vomit several times, then faint, then wake up a few hours later on the bathroom floor with your kids leaning over you having a heated discussion about whether mommy is "dead or just sleeping."  (Don't ask me how I know this.  Just FUCKING TRUST ME.  I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.) 

2.  RUNNING FEELS WEIRD.  I never know what to do with my hands.  I've looked at other people's hands while they run and I get the impression that this hand placement confusion is a worldwide pandemic.  Some people run with their arms bent at their waists and their hands just flailing around.  TO THESE PEOPLE:  THIS MAKES YOU LOOK EERILY LIKE A TYRANNOSAURUS REX-- (remember how, in elementary school, you'd see photos of dinosaurs in your science books and the Tyrannosaurus Rex always had those creepy, useless, dangly little arms?  I REMEMBER.).  Some people run with their hands curved into fists.  TO THESE PEOPLE:  WHEN I SEE YOU RUNNING THIS WAY, IT MAKES ME THINK YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A FIGHT.  AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO TANGLE WITH ME BECAUSE I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.  Besides the hand thing, running makes your boobs bounce all around, regardless of the strength of your sports bra.  I barely even HAVE boobs, so if mine are bouncing, I know a lot of you ladies take a solid  beating when you run.  (This means YOU, Rebecca.)  How is this not a miserable experience?

3.  RUNNING IS DANGEROUS.  One time, I read that Reese Witherspoon was knocked down by a car while running.  SEE?  DANGEROUS.  Another time, I got tangled in Lo's leash, kept trying to run while I untangled myself, was looking down, and ran right into a stop sign.  It hurt AND it left a bruise on my forehead.  DANGEROUS.  I could go on all day listing the injuries I've incurred just from running, but won't because I've got better shit to do.

SO.  I feel like I've made my point.  I have shared my truth.  I have graced the world with my knowledge and experience.  I hope that you have learned something from this blog and taken it to heart, as if it were a public service announcement or the realization that yes, that is YOU in that "People of Wal-Mart" photo.  Take heed, my friends.

You're fucking welcome.



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