Happy Tuesday, One and All. As a special treat for you today, I have decided to compile a list of some of your questions to me over the years and give you a little Q and A. I have kept the names of the "askers" anonymous in most cases for their own protection, although I will admit that this is mostly just because I only know many of my readers by their Google Display Names. I totally did not keep questions anonymous from people I know well. Please feel free to ask your own questions, should you have something terribly important you want to know. You can comment here or email me at email@example.com
Q: Why don't you quit writing that stuff you write and become a Christian Romance author like my friend in Texas? I could probably get you in touch with her about how to get it published if you wrote one. ~ my Mom
A: Well, Mom, that is a REALLY FUCKING GOOD QUESTION. Obviously, I would be an excellent Christian Romance author due to my sweet, conservative Christian ways and also because I'm just fucking awesome at everything I do. I could possibly even model the first novel after my own life-- you know, the one where I was a Pagan for a while in grad school, ran an erotic literature blog for several years from home, got knocked up outside of wedlock, and let a photography company use my boudoir photos for advertisement. I could call it FIFTY SHADES OF FUCKED UP. I'll get right on that.
Q: Why are you so mean? ~ B
A: I'm not mean, I'm honest. My motto: It's not mean if it's true.
Q: What is your problem with Asians? ~ Anonymous
A: Asians piss me the fuck off. Have you not ever noticed how fucking happy they look ALL THE TIME? Their world seems to be all chopsticks and rainbows. NOBODY'S LIFE IS THAT HAPPY. QUIT SMILING SO MUCH, ASIANS.
Q: Do you talk the same way around your kids that you do in your blog? ~ Anonymous
A: Yes, I do. For example, when I was in Tennessee I had to take the kids grocery shopping. They kept picking at one another and it was getting on my last damn nerve. I finally turned to Belly and snapped, "Touch your brother again and I will break your fingers." The looks I received from the disapproving folks around me were possibly surpassed only by those received the time I said to Sutton in Target, "Quit whining or I will punch you in the face." My children know me, and they know that when I threaten violence it means they need to pull their shit together or things are gonna get ugly. Will I really break their fingers or punch them in the face? Probably not. They usually just laugh and straighten up when I threaten violence. But you never know when the stars will align and my blood sugar will be really high and I will snap. YOU. NEVER. KNOW.
Q: Do you write all of your blogs while you're drunk?~ Anonymous
A: WHY DOES EVERYBODY ALWAYS THINK I'M DRUNK? JESUS. No. I'm hardly ever drunk. When I get drunk, I get really happy and I tend to take off my clothes. Does this sound like my blogs? NO. IT DOESN'T. My blogs are full of unbridled disdain and merciless disgust for the world at large. Does that sound like the ramblings of a happy, naked Haley? That's what I thought. IDIOTS.
Q: Why did you unfriend me on Facebook? ~ Anonymous
A: This question could have a couple of answers, depending on who you are. I shall give them all to you. From there, you're on your own, because I really don't know who emailed me this question (which makes it pretty freakin' hard to answer, Supergenius Who Sent It). Possibility #1: A couple of years ago, I canceled my FB account because I was too busy to use it and it was getting on my nerves. At that time, when you canceled your account, although it still held onto your user name and password in case you came back, it erased all your friends and your personal information. So when I came back to FB, I had zero friends and had to start from scratch. About half of my "friends" are still missing, but I'm so busy drunk blogging that I haven't had time to refriend them all. Possibility #2: You are one of the rednecks I mentioned in my last blog, and I got sick of your statuses about Nascar, professional wrestling, and football, as well as the photos of your half-naked, dirt-covered babies learning to hunt small game. Possibility #3: You are one of my relatives and I hate you.
Q: Does the stuff you blog about really happen, or do you make it up?
A: SERIOUSLY? I am a magnet for crazy people, have no filter, and possess a terrifying knack for making poor choices. WHAT DO YOU THINK, ASSHOLE? I don't even get around to blogging about the really good stuff that happens most of the time. I am a Hot Mess of Awesomeness, and I have learned to embrace it.
I hope that clears a few things up for you. If you want to ask me something anonymously, give yourself a really awesome Google name like "Priest of Death" (yep, he's a reader) and send it to me. Points for who comes up with the most creative display name.