Friday, August 17, 2012

Polyamorous, My Ass

This morning I watched a new television program that I had DVR'd on Showtime called POLYAMOROUS:  MARRIED AND DATING.

That was some fucked up shit, yo.

Now, I will be the first to tell you that I am an opened minded girl.  I'm cool with pretty much anything anybody else wants to do or be as long as it does not cause harm to others and as long as it doesn't affect me personally.  I do not want to watch a transgendered woman have sex with an Asian midget on a  bench at the mall.  That said, I do not want to watch ANYONE have sex on a bench at the mall, so I do not consider these feelings to be particularly prejudiced.  I don't want to share my husband with ten sister-wives, but I don't care if someone else does (as long as we're not still talking about MY husband here-- let's make that clear-- you gotta find your own husband, bitches).

That said, I feel the same way about these crazy-ass polyamorous people.  Fine if they want to be that way, but there's no way in hell that I could.  Take, for instance, this one married couple, Anthony and Lindsey.  They're pretty young (mid to late twenties, maybe) and are married.  But for three years, they have also had a girlfriend named Vanessa.  They all three sleep in the same bed and have sex all together (who else thinks this is a win/win situation for Anthony?  Boys are dumb.) and in various couple combinations.  They are committed to one another and don't hook up with anybody else-- it's just the three of them.  Now, Vanessa has PROPOSED to Anthony and  Lindsey (as a couple) and they plan to have a commitment ceremony essentially "marrying" the three of them.  Awesome.

(Note:  I bet that makes for some CONFUSING SHIT when they fill out forms.  Most forms I have filled out only have one line for the spouse.  Hmmmm....which makes me wonder if in Utah, forms are different since so many of the polygamists live there.  I once knew a doctor who practiced in Utah for a year, but "Now he's just somebody that I used to know" (look at me, throwing some fucking Gotye lyrics into my blog--despite the sad truth being that I don't own any records and I doubt he changed his number, although I don't know that for sure--BAM, bitches, I'm practically the female Ryan Seacrest, not that that's a positive thing) so I can't call him up and ask.  Sorry.) 

Anyway, back to being polyamorous.

There was this OTHER group of people on the show who lived in San Diego (the first group lived somewhere else in CA-- gotta make you wonder about those crazy Californians) that was comprised of two married couples.  Michael and Kamala were married to one another and Jen and Tahl were married to one another.  But they all live together and trade spouses and such.  I have yet to figure out if Tahl and Michael also hook up, but I'm pretty sure everybody else does with everybody else.  WHAT THE FUCK?  (And does that actually make them Monogamous Swingers?  Because I really like the sound of that.)

Could you imagine?  I mean, I love Meredith and Dave to death, but it'll be a cold day in Hell when I invite them to live with us and be our lovers (sorry guys, I'm sure you find this deeply disappointing as I TOTALLY get the monogamous swingers vibe from you, because WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO BE MONOGAMOUS SWINGERS WITH ME AND B?  NOBODY, THAT'S WHO).  What if somebody gets knocked up?  How do you figure out who is the Dad?  And honestly-- BITCHES BE JEALOUS.  There's no fucking way that Jen, with her unfortunate nose and nervous hair-twirling tic doesn't feel at least A LITTLE jealous and intimidated by her husband fucking the beautiful (but ANNOYING AS ALL FUCK) Kamala.  No.  Fucking.  Way.

It all makes for some fascinating television, though.  I will say that.

I thought I had a wheelbarrow full of crazy.  Compared to those guys, I'm pretty normal.  Sure, I microwave my cold cereal before I eat it (I like it soggy), enjoy therapeutic vacuuming, and won't get in a public pool to save my (germ-free) life, but at least my quirks don't create a need for me to remember whether I'm supposed to bed down with my husband or my lover and his wife tonight.  (At least, not yet.)  I mean, one can't be polyamorous if one struggles just to be amorous in the first damn place.  (Instead of saying "I love you," I prefer to just say, "I hate everyone who isn't you."  It's really more accurate, in all honesty.)

As the old saying goes, I guess it does take all kinds to make the world go 'round.  And what a world it is turning out to be.

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