Monday, August 20, 2012

Haleystarr, Incorporated

I'm having a very difficult time finding a large house flag for my front porch that says "Fuck Off."

One can easily find flags that say "Welcome."  One can easily find flags for various seasons and holidays.  There is an abundance of flags with happy little birds or puppies or snowflakes or grist mills (yeah, that's right-- I just said "grist mill."  If you don't know what that is, Google it and consider it your Lesson of the Day.  YOU'RE WELCOME).  But flags with swear words on them?  Not so easy to find.

WHY IS THIS?  YOU KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD (LIKE ME) WHO DO NOT WANT TO WELCOME ANYONE TO THEIR HOME.  THEY WANT PEOPLE TO ROLL UP INTO THEIR DRIVEWAY, LOOK AT THE LARGE HOUSE FLAG, SEE THE "FUCK OFF" AND GO THE FUCK AWAY.   Oh, come on.  You know I'm right.  I figure if anybody is brave enough to ring my doorbell and UNLEASH THE KRAKEN (that's me) after seeing my "Fuck Off" flag, braving the obstacle course of flowerpots that leads to the door, and then continually knocking and ringing my doorbell (because anyone with any sense would know that I NEVER FUCKING ANSWER THE PHONE OR THE DOOR UNLESS IT APPEARS TO BE A DIRE EMERGENCY, AND EVEN THEN I'M LIKELY TO BE AT LEAST HALF NAKED AND ALL THE WAY DRUNK AND REALLY NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK IF YOU ARE HAVING AN EMERGENCY--{note to Meredith:  This does not apply to you or the time Madi got stuck in the high chair and Blaker and I didn't help you because we were "napping."  Just so you know}) then they are either the kind of person I want to hang out with or the kind of person I want to kill.  Therefore, if I answer the door with my .38 (this is a pistol for those of you who are stupid) in hand I should be fine either way.

All of this begs me to realize that there is a severe need for me in the world (like I didn't already know this).  Imagine what an amazing greeting card writer I would be (my line of "I fucking hate you" cards would probably be best sellers-- I mean, where ELSE are you going to get those?).  Imagine what a fabulous "Unwelcome" mat designer I would be ("DING DONG DIE, BITCHES").  Imagine what a tremendously talented house flag/street sign/GPS voice ("I said turn the fuck left, goddamnit!  Now take a motherfucking right on Main Street, cocksucker") I would be.  WE'RE TALKING REAL TALENT HERE, PEOPLE.
Aren't you glad you have me in your life?  (Yes.  Yes, you are.)

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