Tuesday, March 13, 2012

This Life On Loan

I have been thinking a lot about people, in general. Where we come from, what makes us who we are, how we change as time goes on. My theory has always been that we are on some kind of universal loan, like a library of souls. Each body God creates gets a specifically chosen soul from the big Soul Room, where he tucks it right into the new body and sends it on down to some unsuspecting uterus. We all have a due date. Sometimes we may be returned early or late, but we all have to go back at some point. That's how the Universe rolls.

Maybe my theory only exists because I like library analogies. Or maybe I'm right.

Whatever the case, we got here somehow so we might as well make the best of it. It is with this in mind (and the assistance of a new medication specifically created to fight OCD) that I have been trying to do just that-- make the best of it, I mean. Which is why I felt the need to create a short list of RANDOM SHIT THAT MAKES ME HAPPY, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER IT IS GOING TO LOCK IN MY STATUS AS BEING HELL-BOUND SOMEDAY, UPSET MY MOTHER, OR INCREASE THE CHANCES THAT MY CHILDREN WILL SOMEDAY NEED THERAPY MORE THAN THEY NEED A COLLEGE EDUCATION. Here we go.

1. Religious Freedom~ I gave up swearing for Lent. Why? Because you are supposed to give up something you enjoy (I think), and we all know that I'm sure as hell not going to give up drinking or cooking meth in the garage (I'm KIDDING, geez). For two whole days I did not swear. Okay, maybe I swore a little accidentally, which would then lead to me swearing again out of anger because I realized I had swore the first time, which really only aggravated the situation, but the point is I basically gave up swearing on purpose. It was complicated. It took effort. And then I realized, hey, wait a second. I'M NOT FUCKING CATHOLIC. And I don't even know if non-Catholics give up shit for Lent because I'M NOT EVEN A NON-CATHOLIC. I'm more like a non-anything. So if I'm a non-anything, WHY IN THE EVER-LOVING HELL DID I GIVE UP SWEARING? Jesus still loves me if I swear-- they tell you that in church. So, frankly, there's NO FUCKING POINT IN QUITTING. So I quit quitting swearing. (And I decided that Catholics are ridiculous, but that is kind of a side note.)

2. Celebrating Our History~ Black History month is dumb. Now, I'm not saying that I'm anti-black people. I love DP. I love Betty. I love Jenelle and Ejita. I do not love black people that I do not know, nor do I love some that I DO know. However, I do not love white people I do not know, nor many that I DO know, either, so it's pretty much all the same in my head. However, I think Black History month is ridiculous. Do we have White History Month? No. Hispanic History month? No. Native American History Month (which I would truthfully call Indian History Month anyway, because I am not politically correct, plus, if we're going to have a history month in America, shouldn't it REALLY be Native American/Indian History Month anyway, since they were here first? Yes. Yes, it should.)? No. Black History month is racist, because it singles out black people, which is sort of the definition of racist. However, this year Black History month did bring me some entertainment in the form of the following conversation:

Sutton: (large sigh, very frustrated) "Mommy, I have a problem at school."
Me: (likely drunk) "Oh, yeah? Are you still forgetting to zip your jeans after bathroom break? One day when your Yoda falls out during center time you're going to be really embarrassed."
Sutton: "Maybe. But that's not my problem. I need a new brown crayon."
Me: (still drunk, barely listening) "Crayons. Check. Mommy will get you new crayons."
Sutton: (urgently) "No, I don't need new CRAYONS. I need a NEW BROWN CRAYON."
Me: "Brown? Who only uses up all their brown? You don't even LIKE brown."
Sutton: "No, but we've had to color so many Martin Luther Kings this month that ALL MY BROWN IS GONE."

I had to laugh. A lot.

Sutton still doesn't understand why Black people call themselves black when they are really brown. I don't blame him. So not only is Black History month racist, it's also incorrectly named.

3. Drunken Drama~ I always sneak alcohol into the theater whenever I have to take my kids to a movie. It's really a necessity-- with the exception of the original KUNG FU PANDA and DESPICABLE ME, I despise kid movies. I do not appreciate the animation or insipid humor, nor do I appreciate a story with a sweet moral. Therefore, the only way I can sit through an hour and a half of kid-friendly theatrical antics is with a good buzz. Which means I was HORRIFIED last Friday to find that I had FORGOTTEN MY VODKA WHEN WE WENT TO SEE THE LORAX. We had just bought tickets to an afternoon matinee and gotten ourselves seated when I realized that my airplane bottles of vodka were not safely tucked into my handbag as they were intended, but rather still on the kitchen counter at home. I began madly digging through my bag, looking for something, ANYTHING-- a stray hydrocodone, a mini bottle of rum that had been rolling around in the bottom for a while, a razor blade with which to slit my wrists and end my suffering--but there was NOTHING. I had water, but that was it. THAT WAS IT. So I sat. Through the previews, through THE LORAX, through it all. I'm pretty sure I dozed off at one point. I know I wept a bit, in agony. It was painful. But eventually I made it through, made it home, made it cocktail hour. Longest hour and thirty-three minutes of my life. On the ride home I asked the kids, "Did you enjoy the movie." Bellamy's response: "Yeah, it was really good. I can't believe you didn't have any vodka with you though. You always have vodka. Maybe you should have borrowed some from somebody else." My kids think bringing liquor to the theater is the norm. Awesome. I'm teaching them right.

I could probably add to this list forever. There are loads of things in this world that make me happy, though most of them do revolve around my husband, my kids, and my wine rack. The point is, take this little life on loan and find what makes you happy. Squeeze a little joy out of your day. Go out and make the best of it.


PriestessRaven said...

I believe there is an asian pacific heritage month, they had the guy from Lost/Hawaii 5-0 talking about it once

vanilla said...

But but but, I love cartoons!!!