Thursday, October 6, 2011

Square Peg, Round Hole

This morning, as I was perusing the Bizarre News Headlines of the World (because who wants to read about wars, politics, and the economy when one can read about CRAZY RANDOM SHIT?) and I stumbled across an article from Europe, about an Irish woman who is suing her husband for misrepresenting the size of his penis. According to the Irish lass, she and her beau chose to refrain from sexual contact beyond kissing throughout their courtship, focusing on how wonderful their wedding night would be after all of the anticipation leading up to it. Mr. Irishman talked a big game during this time (literally) as he rhapsodized to his lady love about how he was going to rock her world with his ginormous Irish shlong. He was hung like a stallion and he knew how to use it. Or so he said. Turns out, when their wedding night rolled around and he whipped out his junk for his blushing bride, she was more than a little disappointed. As a matter of fact, she had their marriage annulled, citing fraud (it also helped that it had not been consummated).

High five, Irish Chick. You Go Girl.

Said article immediately sparked my curiosity. You hear the old stereotypes-- Asian men have tiny dicks, black men are hung, blah blah blah (although, for the record, I have found this to be true, though it is based solely on television, movies, and porn)-- but you (at least, I) never hear anything about European penises in general. Clearly, I needed to do some research.

Several million websites and photographs (so many uncircumcised penises!) later, both medical and official, and personal and trashy, I had gleaned the following:

1. Of European men, Irishmen have the smallest genitalia. However, they either don't realize it, or just try to overcompensate for their small size by bragging big. Condensed version: Small dicks, big egos.

2. Of European men, Italian men (Western Europe) and Russian men (Eastern Europe-- and yes, I know Russia doesn't exist any longer-- suck it, bitches. This isn't a goddamn history lesson) have the biggest, but brag the least. Condensed version: Big dicks, small egos. (For the record, Italian men supposedly flaunt their prowess and skills in the boudoir, even though they don't have much to say about size. Irishmen will straight up tell you they have no skills when it comes to foreplay, but their giant penises (that don't exist) make up for it. Whatever.)

You are asking now, "What is the point of all this, Oh Great And Awesome Haley?" Well, I shall tell you. It's not penises. I only told you all that shit because I figured if I spent all that time researching worldwide penis size I might as well DO something with it (like educate you guys). The POINT is, that Irish Chick who sued her under-endowed husband is clearly not your average woman. And I love that.

Life, to me, if often so damn BORING. Everybody I meet is the same. WHY WHY WHY be like everyone else when we don't have to be? I wonder that a lot-- do all these people really TRY to be so fucking dull, or are they ACTUALLY that way? That's why I love the Bizarre News. It's about my PEOPLE, y'all. Where the FUCK are the rest of you?

Last week I was checking in at the gym and a woman came in behind me carrying a box fan. She had her workout gear on, her ponytail, her water bottle. And her big-ass box fan. I didn't think THAT much about it until I watched her go upstairs to the cardio area, plug in her fan, aim it at the treadmill, and start power walking. WHAT THE FUCK? The gym is not hot. The gym has fans aimed down from the ceiling in addition to the air conditioning. And this fan was big as hell. Most people would have just bitched and moaned to their friends or themselves if they were hot at the gym. But this bitch-- she BROUGHT HER OWN DAMN FAN. People looked at her like she was a lunatic, including the staff and trainers. But I got the impression that she didn't fucking care. High five, Gym Lady. I applaud you.

So now, my friends, I encourage you to go out into the world and be somebody interesting. Don't use your filter. Divorce your husband and his small dick. Wear your hot pink Converse with the stars on them when you are 34 years old, and don't even match them to your clothes. Take your damn box fan to the gym. Teach your kids to mix a martini. Most of all, be yourself. If you're boring and you suck when you're being yourself, at least you are still being what you really are. And that, my friends, I applaud as well.


vanilla said...

Go out and fan out over NKOTB!

Derrick said...

Yet another fine example of why I am glad to be in your loop. -post scriptus: I gotta start reading that Bizarre News shit.