Sunday, December 12, 2010

Spreading The Love

It was suggested last week by the GG that, rather than gratuitous swearing, I say something nice to someone instead. A twist on the old, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," I suppose. I was doubtful that this would bring me holiday cheer, but since I'm not the one with the Ph.D., I decided to give it a go and see what happened. The girl is always up for new experiences. Later that day, when an old man at the gym told me that if I was ever going to get a husband, I "needed more meat on my bones," I smiled and used my brute force to help adjust the weight machine settings for his fragile, elderly body, rather than saying, "At least I can lift more than ten pounds without snapping a damn bone, old man!" A friend who normally gets only my shining sarcasm got a heartfelt, "I love you, man" paragraph in his message, though I really wanted to give him shit for his chronic inability to reply to me in a timely manner, leaving me to Google him on occasion just to see if he's dead. On the family front, though Sutton spilled his drink on the kitchen floor three times in one day (THREE FUCKING TIMES), I never once muttered "Goddamnit" under my breath. I was sweetness and light. I was a saint.

And you know where it got me? NOWHERE.

The little old man didn't even say "thank you." I may have traumatized my emotionally deficient friend. Sutt spilled his drink twice the next day.

Did I at least feel better, after spewing all that merriness out into the world?

Nope. Not even a little. I just felt like somebody other than me. And why would I want to be somebody other than me? I'm awesome. Prone to fits of violence, drunkenness and crude language, but awesome nonetheless.

Therefore, old man? I want you to know that you are old, brittle, and hateful. And I can assure you that I have plenty of meat on my bones, and that if I took off my clothes to show you, you'd likely keel over and die from the thrill of it all.

Friend? You suck at email, and I'm going to kick your half-wit ass someday.

Sutt? Learn to use a mop, kid. I will teach you. My mopping skills are unsurpassed.

And everybody else? Don't look for anymore sweetness soon. I'm all tapped out.

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