AN INCOMPLETE LIST OF WEIRD AND/OR AWESOME THINGS THAT MY CHILDREN HAVE SAID OVER THE PAST WEEK, SOME OF WHICH I AM STILL WISHING I HAD NEVER HEARD, WHILE OTHERS I AM STILL USING TO ENTERTAIN MYSELF DURING DULL TIMES, SUCH AS STANDING IN LINE AT THE GROCERY STORE OR TALKING ON THE PHONE TO THE MINIMED REP
1. (Sutt): "Hey, Mommy. I dialed on Daddy's cell phone and I CALLED A REAL PERSON! It was awesome! They talked and everything! And you know who I called? 911!" (As it turns out, you can call 911 even from an old cell phone that is charged but no longer in service. Bet you didn't know that, did you?)
2. (Belly): "Hey, Mommy. My ear is all weird and plugged up. It's like the toilet gets after I go poop and we need to use the plunger. I guess I mean it feels like somebody pooped in my ear."
3. (Sutt): "Hey, Mommy. You know what my favorite flavor is? Mitten. Like Peppermitten."
4. (Belly): "Hey, Mommy. I think my cold has gotten better, and my eyes feel better, but I still have a problem. I have a crusty butt. Feel how crusty it is." (*To my relief, she was referring to dry skin on her extreme lower back. THANK GOD. One can only guess when one hears "crusty butt.")
*Side note: Have you noticed a pattern here with how my children begin EVERY FUCKING SENTENCE? And we all wonder why I drink.
5. (Sutt-- in the bathtub): "Hey, Mommy. What's this fat part of my junk called?" (Me): "Testicles." (Sutt): "TEXTICLES? What do I need TEXTICLES for?" (Me): "If you want to have a baby someday, you'll need them." (Sutt): "But right now, I don't need any texticles, right?"
6. (Belly): "Hey, Mommy, I don't want to eat anything, because every time I cough I puke in my mouth a little. So it's kind of like I'm eating all the time because I'm coughing all the time."
7. (Sutt): "Hey, Mommy. Guess what? This week is V week at school. And you know what word I told Mrs. Lentini starts with V? VINO!"
Ah, yes. The joys of children.