Friday, March 12, 2010

Not To Do

A little bit of my newest list:

THINGS I SHOULD REMEMBER NOT TO DO, REGARDLESS OF HOW DRUNK, DESPERATE, OR TIRED I AM, OR HOW GUILTY I MAY FEEL, NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE, EVEN IF MY MOM OR B TRIES TO CONVINCE ME IT'S A GOOD IDEA AND THAT I'LL BE HAPPY I DID IT LATER WHILE I'M SECRETLY AWARE THAT THEY ARE FULL OF SHIT AND I WILL NOT BE HAPPY I DID IT LATER, BUT RATHER WILL BE THINKING "WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT?"

1. Cut my hair into anything that might be construed as "soccer mom-ish," even if my Mom REALLY likes my hair better short

2. Drunk dial ANYONE, and sing "Wind Beneath My Wings." Nor should I do this sober.

3. Wear yellow. I look terrible in yellow.

4. Drink Long Island Iced Tea. Not only does it make me take my clothes off in public, it makes me take my clothes off in public THEN vomit. Not a pretty combination.

5. Speak French when B is near. He just laughs at me because his accent is better.

6. Read anything by Fenimore Cooper. He's, perhaps, the most boring writer in the history of American Literature.

7. Get my nipples pierced. Ick.

8. Allow the FedEx Man to tie me up when I invite him in for hot sex. You never know when he might leave you there for your husband to find you, tired, sweaty, and still bound to the bed. (Not that this has ever happened. Nope. Not even once. Or twice. Or with the UPS man.)

9. Buy the kids musical instruments, or encourage them to learn to play one.

10. Marry a third time.

11. Take up golf, particularly if it involves wearing a sweater vest and one of those weird little hats.

12. Say hurtful things to midgets. Or dwarfs.

13. Cave (this will only mean something to some of you--sorry to the others).

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