Sunday, March 28, 2010

A Little Bit of This

Last week was one of those weeks that left me contemplating exactly how wrong it would be to fake my own death, then hide out in the islands until 2012 when the world up and explodes are whatever the hell everybody thinks it's going to do. (For the record, there are people who have built concrete bunkers in the mountains of Turkey and think they are going to ride out this Mayan apocalypse. I say, go for it, dude. Because, first of all, the Mayans didn't say the world would end, it just happens to be when their calendar ends and when they believed "a change" would come about. Second of all, if I have to live in a concrete bunker in Turkey indefinitely in order to survive whatever the Universe had in store, I'd rather just keel over and die from the apocalypse. I don't even like to camp, in a camper with electricity and a shower. I'm most certainly not going to live off jugs of water and Spaghetti-O's while I recycle the same two pairs of underwear. I'm not even sure exactly where Turkey is on a map, or why they think these mountains are a safe place to hide. But I digress.)

So last week sucked hardcore, and rather than bore you with the details, I will talk about other things, like the few parts that didn't suck. As a matter of fact, because there are so few of them, I will make a list of the parts of last week that did not suck. A list seems like a pretty decent way to wrap up the week anyway.

THE PARTS OF LAST WEEK THAT DID NOT UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY BLOW, ALTHOUGH THERE WERE NOT MANY OF THEM, AND THE ACCEPTABLE PARTS THAT DID COME TO PASS WERE NOT ALL THAT FABULOUS, BUT SEEMED MORE FABULOUS THAN THEY NORMALLY WOULD HAVE BECAUSE THEY HAD THE GOOD FORTUNE TO LAND WITHIN SUCH A SHITTY WEEK, HAVING PRETTY MUCH THE SAME EFFECT AS WHEN B ACCUSES MY YORKIE OF BEING FAT, AND I POINT OUT THAT IF YOU STAND HER NEXT TO A HIPPOPOTAMUS SHE'S ACTUALLY QUITE SMALL, WHICH IS TECHNICALLY TRUE, THOUGH ONLY BY COMPARISON

1. My Pleasure~ Friday night I attended a Pleasure Party at a friend's house. We kicked off the night in a circle, passing a large rubber pink penis around using only our legs, partly because the rules of the game dictated no hands, and partly because we were holding glasses of sangria. This was followed by a spiel from the Sex Toy Lady, who passed her wares around and let us all handle them (at one point I got a great neck massage from a giant blue vibrator with a face on it), and some lovely snacks, including a delicious chocolate cake with a large penis on top (made out of cookie dough) and cupcakes that looked like boobs. Eventually we all ended up in the master bed with the host and hostess and a bunch of vibrators. While I give you a moment to work on that visual, I will mention that we were all dressed and stayed that way, and merely checking out her new mattress she got for Christmas. (Sorry to disappoint.)

2. Smile~ Wednesday morning I had my teeth cleaned. For many people, going to the dentist is a traumatic experience. I, personally, rather like it. Nobody is asking me to do anything but open my mouth and occasionally bite down or turn my head a little. My teeth feel great after it's over. It doesn't hurt, and I never need dental work. Plus, the dentist likes to say flattering things to me the whole time about what great teeth I have, which is a nice little ego boost. (I may not have had time to brush my hair this morning, but I have great teeth!) All in all, I'm down with the dentist, yo.

3. I'll take Manhattan~ On Tuesday, I discovered that Netflix had shipped me the newest season of Mad Men on DVD, for my viewing pleasure. I love Mad Men. I love that Don Draper sleeps with everything in a skirt. I love that his crazy wife, Betty, chain smokes and drinks martinis while she neglects two of their children and is pregnant with the third. I love that Joan Holloway makes me consider becoming a lesbian just because I think she's so freakin' gorgeous I could probably be happy batting for the other team. I.Love.Mad Men. Yes, I do.

4. Ace in the hole~ Last week it all become official that I would be working for Pearson, scoring first the 8th grade OSA essays, then, a few weeks later, the 7th grade essays. I did the hours of stupid training. I took my qualification exams (and kicked ass by scoring a perfect score on both). I got the okay that all is ready for me to begin working this Wednesday. High-five for Haley. None of my friends understand why I am excited. They think we must either seriously need money, or that I have lost my mind. The idea of voluntarily working when I could just keep doing what I do now (kids, laundry, waiting to die in the apocalypse) is appalling to them. I'm working so my brain doesn't shrivel up and die. The end.

5. Tumbler Troubles~ I have long thought that the perfect cup would be much like the plastic cups with lids and straws that Starbucks gives you for their shaken teas, only reusable. Light weight, a straw, dishwasher safe. I don't have to worry that a bug will land it in at soccer practice because it has a lid. I don't mess up my lip gloss because it has a straw. I don't have to throw it away when it's infested with bacteria (a kid sneezes on it, the dog decides to have a taste) because I can throw it in the dishwasher and disinfect it. Alas, this product has always eluded me. Until yesterday. HALLELUJAH, TARGET! Yep, I found it. It's perfect. It's like Jesus heard my plea, went to Starbucks, thought, "Damn, that's a great idea!" and created it, much like the sun and the moon. (For the record, Jesus, I love the cup but I can think of lots of other requests I would rather have had answered. Just so you know. But, anyway, thanks man.) It's plastic. It's sweat-proof. It looks like soda cup, and has a sturdy straw. It's awesome.

So there's five for you. Clearly, since one of the high points of my week was locating a plastic cup at Target, you can't begin to imagine what the low points were. And I choose not to discuss them at present. But I must say, take heart. Because if I can get through last week, I can sure as hell survive a concrete bunker in Turkey, should I so choose. All is right with the world.

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