Tuesday, January 12, 2010

We All Fall Down

Of my readers, some of you have known me long and well, others lesser and for a much shorter period of time. This leads me to share a statement of truth, for anyone who is confused, unaware, or completely oblivious to everything around them and thus likely not functional in society or, at least, shouldn't be allowed out without a chaperon.

I am a love skeptic. I am an even greater marriage skeptic.

"What?" you say. "A love/marriage skeptic who has been married twice?" Yep. Never said I was a skeptic who made good, well-thought-out decisions, just that I was a skeptic.

There are many beliefs that come along with being leery of love. I don't believe there is one person out there for everyone, but yet many people whom we may or may not meet whom we may or may not choose to mold our lives around. I do not believe in love at first sight, although I do believe we can recognize souls we have loved in other lives and remember the feelings that we hosted for them in the past. I do not believe marriage should be work, because I do not believe you should have to work for love, but that it is something that should come, and operate, naturally and smoothly. On the flip side, I do not believe in happily ever after, as life encompasses far too much for a future made of fairy tales. Love doesn't equal marriage in my head, and marriage certainly does not equal love. Love is a choice. Marriage is a choice. They are not mutually exclusive.

A disclaimer: I am not angry, nor am I unhappy in my marriage. I love my husband, he is wonderful. We are yin and yang, night and day, but complement one another all the same. That said, I think marriage is a crock. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous it becomes, this tax break, this legal binding of two beings. Promising for better or for worse is bullshit-- making a promise like that is blind and and it's stupid. If B becomes an transvestite hooker someday, that's for worse, and you can sure as hell bet that I'm not sticking around. Should I be in an accident and become a veritable vegetable (and my family wasn't smart enough to pull the damn plug) I would expect nothing less than for B to find himself a someone new who was there, supportive, and real. Hell, I'd be railing at him from the Otherworld if he didn't.

We have these roles, these expectations, these hopes. There is pressure, from ourselves, society, our families--the normal is to chase, to claim, to breed. So often we want to "catch" someone, and then once we have them, we wonder what on earth the chase was all about. We make the best of it. We persevere, or at least try to, until we realize that we should have left a long damn time ago. We become muddled. We become lost. I have been there. I should know.

I am grateful that I am bound to a good man, one whom I do actually love, from an endless sea of those I did not. However, I still feel bitter sometimes that the law dictates my relationship, that God "blessed" our union, despite my never having felt his presence in our bond. I don't enjoy being told what to do, who to love, how to live. I think it is unnecessary and inhumane. For now I am lucky, but for eternity, I will love whom I love, and make promises only unto myself.

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