Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Striking Realizations From The World

THINGS I NOTICED WHILE IN A NEAR COMATOSE STATE THAT I AM JUST NOW COMING OUT OF AFTER 12 HOURS, THE ORIGIN OF WHICH I REFUSE TO GIVE DETAILS IF I HAVE NOT ALREADY EXPLAINED IT TO YOU IN PERSON, JUST TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT DOCTORS DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW WHAT IN THE HELL THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT AND NEXT TIME ONE TRIES TO "FIX YOU", RUN SCREAMING IN THE OTHER DIRECTION AND INSTEAD FIND YOURSELF A GOOD LOCAL BAR AND JUST DRINK UNTIL YOU FEEL BETTER AS THAT SEEMS TO BE A MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE SOLUTION FOR NEARLY EVERY ILLNESS I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED

1. Did you know that soup cans come with a warning regarding how NOT to hurt yourself on the can? Yes, they do. Campbell's Selections or whatever the hell they are called--the noncondensed variety--have a line on the can (should you ever be unable to move yourself and nothing except a soup can is within your line of sight to read) telling you to beware of sharp edges. Additionally, bottles of canola oil have a disclaimer about how to distinguish an oil fire, should one arise while you are cooking with said canola oil. You must wonder how many fools got sliced or burned before these labels were placed upon the can, to save us all from ourselves.

2. Your car will not go without the keys in the ignition. If anybody wants to get smart with me and give me some kind of nonsense about start buttons or whatnot, go ahead (and then keep one eye open while you sleep, as I'm currently highly unstable and likely without a conscience). Otherwise, it's true. If your keys are in your lap, you will sit in the driveway for a very long time unless you put the key IN the ignition.

3. Proper enunciation while reading aloud is much easier if you can focus on NOTHING in the universe other than that ONE SINGLE WORD at a time, because that ONE SINGLE WORD at a time become vastly important when you are unaware of ANYTHING else in the world. Likely, if one is overmedicated, one is much more likely to lose focus and forget to continue reading aloud, but rather to practice saying that one word over and over--in different accents--until someone unsticks you (like a broken record).

4. Fire, while fascinating, really isn't all that funny. Even if you think it will be. Pretty, yes. Funny, no. Particularly indoors (and not in a fireplace).

5. The Thai version of Guns N Roses's iconic song "Sweet Child of Mine" is actually somewhat alarming to listen to, particularly if it embeds itself in one's psyche and leaves you unable to stop hearing it over and over in your head.

6. There is a big damned difference between "tired," "lethargic," and "completely unable to move and pretty much a fucking zombie." One must be very, very clear when one explains that to people within the medical community.

7. Threats of bodily harm lose much of their effectiveness when one loses one's focus mid-threat and can't exactly remember what they were threatening or why they were threatening it. Which leads me to this bit of advice-- if you carry a taser, you don't have to threaten. You just tase first, speak later. It's a win/win.

Off to seek out serious amounts of caffeine, and perhaps, some uppers (preferably sold on a darkened street corner in Portsmouth, as those are probably the best--and cheapest--kind). Bon nuit.

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