Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Because It Wouldn't Be Wednesday Without It

Since Fate has chosen me as her bitch, I at least intend to benefit from the entertainment. Lucky you, I intend to share.

JUST A DELIBERATELY CHOSEN FEW OF THE EXTRA FABULOUS THINGS I HAVE ENCOUNTERED ON THIS WINDY WEDNESDAY THAT HAVE LED ME TO PEER AT THE SKY, SHAKING MY HEAD AND WONDERING, "WTF, UNIVERSE? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO THROW DOWN WITH ME? BECAUSE I'M CRAZY, UNIVERSE! I'M CRAZY AND I WILL TAKE YOU OUT IF GIVEN HALF A CHANCE!" Yes, I will.

1. The head of the herd~ This morning, I pulled Sutt's preschool craft from yesterday out of his backpack, and then just stood there wondering what the hell it was supposed to be. It was a coloring sheet of a shepherd standing in a field, looking up at the Star of Bethlehem, with Bible verse along the bottom. Sutt had colored the entire page orange, and glued cotton balls on shepherd's head. Yes, you read that correctly. He had glued cotton balls all over the shepherd's head. Bending down next to him, I said, "Hey, Sutt, what's this?" He looked at it and started to giggle, "Well, Mommy, that's the sheep man and those are his sheep. I glued his sheep on his head because I'M SO FUNNY!" then he literally fell over onto the kitchen floor holding his stomach and cackling with laughter at himself. Okay, then.

2. Losing your drawers~ As I was cruising through Chesapeake on my way to the grocery store, I noticed that all the rain had made virtual mini-rivers on each side of the road in the ditches. And floating down one of said mini-rivers was a dresser drawer, full of socks. A DRESSER DRAWER FULL OF SOCKS, PEOPLE. How does that happen? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? Seriously.

3. Santa needs some skins~ While standing in line at the grocery store, I happened to glance up just as Santa, in all his red velvet, white-fur trimmed Christmas splendor came walking by me, pushing a shopping cart completely filled with nothing but T.G.I. Friday's frozen potato skins. (Although he never acknowledged me, I did feel the need to shout after him, "Hey, Santa, I hope you've already scheduled your next cholesterol screening!" Here's hoping Santa has good heath insurance, as if his shopping habits are any indication, he's sure going to need it.)

4. Vitamin C never hurt anybody~ Returning home from the grocery store, I rolled down my street only to see an elderly black man sitting on the sidewalk in front of my house, drinking a carton of orange juice and holding a harmonica. I did not recognize him as someone who lived nearby, so I got out and asked if he was okay. (Note: I do not make a habit of asking if strange men loitering near my house are okay. However, in this case I made an exception because this dude was pushing 75 if he was a day, and small enough that I could have flattened him if necessary.) He said nope, he was fine, just out for a stroll and taking a break. I asked if he needed more juice (I thought maybe he was a fellow diabetic). He said nope, he was just soaking up the sun since the rain had stopped. When I finished putting up the groceries I looked outside and he was gone. (Ooh, maybe it was Jesus! I KNEW he was going to pull that old "disguised as somebody in potential need" trick on me one day. Busted, Jesus. Totally busted.)

5. This morning, pre-grocery shopping, I needed to run to BJ's Wholesale Club and pick up a few bottles of wine as Christmas gifts. I dashed through the store, back to the wine aisle, and grabbed four different bottles. Returning to the front, I saw that only the Self-Checkout lanes were open. This is always a huge pain in the ass when you are buying alcohol, because they have to come over and check your id anyway (which in my case is important, because I look so youthful and glorious at all times--CLEARLY under 21, despite my 32 years). So I scan the wine, get everything rung up, and then stand there and wait for someone to come check my id so that I can pay. This older man struts my way, wearing his maroon BJ's vest, the coveted override card hanging from his lanyard. He comes up and looks over my purchases. "Well, there, pretty lady. You're starting early today, aren't you?" "Yes, sir." I replied, pulling out my driver's license. "You gonna drink all this alone?" He gave me an old man's version of a suggestive look. "Yep. Just me. It takes at least four bottles to get a decent enough buzz on for filming," I answered. "Filming? I could see a cute little thing like you in commercials. Do you do commercials?" (Dude, he was really laying it on thick, as I am clearly not commercial material, but definitely more runway and print ad style.) "No, sir. I considered commercials, but then I realized the real money was in the adult entertainment industry. Today's a big day, my first all female orgy!" I left him open mouthed as I took the wine and walked away.

6. This afternoon, I was dropping some books off at the library when my phone rang. Exiting the oh-so-wondrous silence of the stacks, I stepped out into the parking lot and answered my phone. It was Mom. She shouts, "Guess who got certified today in infant and adult CPR AND in how to use those zappy things at the mall?" Zappy things at the mall? "Um, a defibrillator, Mom?" "Yeah, one of those zap 'em things!" Oh, Sweet Jesus. If I'm ever having a heart attack, please, oh please, don't let my Mom be the one brandishing the defibrillator paddles. I think I'd rather just die.

7. And lastly. As I was helping the kids get dressed this morning, I handed Sutt his clothes and asked him to get dressed while I went to go dry my hair. A few moments later, he came into the bathroom and said, "Mommy, sister won't help me!" I sighed, this was a constant issue at our house--the power struggle of him needing or wanting help and Bellamy deciding whether or not she was in the mood to give said help. "What do you need helping doing, buddy?" I asked. He looked up, blue eyes all teary, and said, clearly distressed, "I can't get my pants on right because my junk's all crooked!" Apparently he couldn't get himself, um, arranged comfortably or something. (For once, I was thankful that Bellamy refused to be helpful.)

And that, my friends, had been my Wednesday.

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