Thursday, December 3, 2009

Aiming High

When I was in elementary school, my future goal was to go to college. When I was in high school, my future goal was to go to a GOOD college. When I was in college, my future goal was to have an awesome career. Now that I have this awesome career (I say this very dryly. Please keep up.) my future goal has changed a bit. Now it pretty much goes something like: Just don't die. And if you DO go and die, at least die in some interesting way. Which is why I compiled the list of:

ACCEPTABLE WAYS, FROM AND OF MY OWN TWISTED MIND, FOR ME TO MEET MY OWN DEMISE, SHOULD THE UNIVERSE GRANT ME THREE WISHES, ONE OF WHICH (HOPEFULLY, THE LAST OF THE THREE) BEING CHOOSING MY OWN MODE OF KICKING THE BUCKET, BITING THE BIG ONE, KEELING OVER....YOU GET THE IDEA.

*Please note that each of these is only acceptable should it happen in a public place, with many attentive and traumatized witnesses*

1. Being hit by an astronomical object~ I would prefer Halley's Comet to take me out, as it would be ironic. However, should Halley's Comet not be available in its grand, universe circling schedule, I will accept any meteor, or hell, even planet (let's dream big!) falling from the sky and leaving me nothing but a pile of starr-dust on the ground. Preferably while a news crew is filming, or at least someone with a camera phone so that it can be uploaded to YouTube.

2. Murder by spiritual being~ People who are killed by ghosts ALWAYS go down in history. If you don't believe me, just turn on the SyFy channel, the History Channel, or Biography at nearly any point after dark. If you are haunted, possessed, and then slaughtered in your own home by a Dark Presence, you're a shoe-in to become both a ghost story AND an urban legend. Your memory will scare teenagers looking for a make-out spot for years to come. Priceless.

3. Spontaneous Combustion in the Nordstrom's Shoe Department~ Spontaneous combustion because I am partial to fire. Why the Nordstrom's Shoe Department, though? Well, because I like shoes. And because I don't want to pick Barnes & Noble and run the risk of singeing any of the lovely, sweet-smelling literature that graces the shelves.

4. Plane or spaceship crash~ Due to my Dad's love of flying, I have never had any fear of it myself. I've been up in all kinds of planes and flown all over the world without the slightest hesitation. (Please note that I HAVE NOT been up in a spaceship. Unless I was abducted by aliens at some point and have no memory of it, in which case it's possible that I HAVE indeed been up in a spaceship. Perhaps we should just leave this particular point undecided.) I can totally dig the idea of dying in a plane crash or (or a spacecraft explosion) and be fine with it. When everyone else was going down screaming, I'd be doing that rollercoaster thing--hands in the air, shouting with glee. No, seriously. I would.

5. A Crime of Passion~ Hey, Johnny Depp-- want to dress up as Roux from Chocolat, have a mad affair with me, then kill me because you can't stand the fact that I won't leave B for you, but will only satisfy your mad, gypsy sexual desires? Go for it, dude. Make it happen.

6. Walking the Plank~ Say I'm at the beach and kidnapped by pirates. Say they make me their captain and I sail the high seas, raping and pillaging and just generally running amok. Then say there is a mutiny on the ship and somehow I am overthrown by the OTHER pirate badass on the ship (preferably Johnny Depp dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow) and forced to walk the plank. That might be kind of cool.

7. Lightning Strike~ (*This scenario is potentially the most likely.) The universe recognizes my rogue nature and decides to take me out in a big way, thus teaching the masses a lesson that goes something like "Yeah, Masses! You had better not fuck with me! I'm the UNIVERSE, bitches, and this is how I roll!" A storm brews, lightning strikes, bam! I'm toast. Or, even better, there is no storm, it's FREAK lightning that shoots from the sky unexpectedly and bam! I'm toast.

Awesome.

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