Sunday, November 29, 2009

Suck it, Christmas

Now that we've finished up with giving our thanks, Christmas is but a few strands of lights and a department store sale away. As one can imagine, I'm just as excited about Christmas this year as I was Thanksgiving. I wanted to skip the holidays all together, but seeing as how the munchkins didn't fall for the whole "Santa is taking a year off" spiel, I have to suck it up and deal. So with what does that leave us?

MY CURRENT AND PARTIAL MENTAL LIST OF WAYS I INTEND TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS, AT LEAST CHRISTMAS, AS I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO THINK FAR ENOUGH AHEAD TO ENCOMPASS NEW YEAR'S YET, WHICH IS GOING TO SUCK A BIG ONE AS WELL, BUT RIGHT NOW WE'RE JUST FOCUSING ON CHRISTMAS AND WHAT IT WILL TAKE TO GET ME THROUGH DECEMBER 26TH INTACT, AND WITHOUT COMMITTING ANY FELONIES, OR AT LEAST NONE FOR WHICH I KNOW FOR SURE I WILL GET CAUGHT

1. Channel the Master~ Remember how The Grinch slipped down to Whoville and stole all the weird little Who's Christmas decorations? Sure, that didn't stop Christmas from coming, but I bet it made him feel pretty damn good before he stopped being all evil and stuff. So I'm thinking maybe if I target a neighborhood house once every few days or so between now and the holidays, snatching their plastic nativity scenes (yes, we already know I'm going to hell, so shut it), light-up reindeer, and inflatable Snoopy-dressed-as-Santa light up lawn ornaments, I'll feel at least a little better. I'd be like the Festive Police. (Setting them on fire in their owner's yards would be more satisfying, but much harder to get away with. I'll have to ponder that one some more.)

2. Nachos make everything OK~ It has become a Christmas Eve tradition for me to cook Christmas dinner--basically a fresh repeat of Thanksgiving dinner--and serve it on my Christmas china, using my crystal. We eat by candlelight, there is Christmas music in the background, everyone looks nice (or, at least Darth Vader wears pants, which is currently about the most I can hope for). My Dad always enjoyed the food, the company. But this year? This year his spot will be empty, so I'm thinking I need to rethink the tradition. The new version goes something like this: nachos and beer on paper plates, eaten from our laps in the living room while we watch something non-festive (Dateline: To Catch a Predator, perhaps, as what is less festive than watching a bunch of creepy dudes try to hook up with fourteen year olds? Not much, I say). No crystal. No music. No candles.

3. Here Comes Santa Claus~ Here's a little holiday algebra for you: Santa equals Christmas, Christmas equals sad. So what if we take Santa-Christmas+sex, does Christmas equal sex? Maybe not, but close enough. What does all this mean? It means Mommy puts on her schoolgirl skirt and goes to the mall to have her photo made with Santa. What would Santa's reaction be to have Mommy in his lap, tricked out in her uniform, wriggling around in his lap as she tells him what she wants for Christmas? Something that would be awesome in a photo, is what. And forever more, rather than Santa equaling Christmas in my mind, Santa would most likely equal something much more......tangible. Problem solved.

4. Buyer's Remorse~ Holiday shopping is hard this year, because I tend to pick things up that I think would make great gifts for Dad, forgetting that there is no Dad for whom to buy gifts. My new theory is that since I do that already subconsciously, what would happen if I went out shopping for Dad on purpose, so that in my head he has already been shopped for? Dad and I had some of the same interests (alcohol and, um......well, alcohol), so I'm thinking I could shop for my Dad at the ABC store, then when I realized I had gifts for him but couldn't give them to him, they would not go to waste. The added bonus is that I would be really sad when I put that all together in my head, which would make having lots of alcohol even more beneficial at that moment. Bam. I'm a genius.

5. July in Christmas~ You hear of "Christmas in July" sales, movie marathons, whatever. This year, I intend to have just the opposite--July in Christmas. I've already taken to listening to my summer cd mixes in lieu of fucking Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas (my children's holiday cd of choice). I can currently hear somebody in the neighborhood mowing their lawn (weird, but true), so that's helpful. Sipping margaritas instead of Bailey's is a start. And hell, who knows, maybe I'll go back and pay Santa a second visit, this time in my bikini.

6. Dress the Part~ Some people have Christmas sweaters, holiday t-shirts, Santa hats. I have my Wicked shirt (from the Broadway musical, not just a reflection of my soul in case you're wondering), my pancreas shirt (Gimme Some Sugar!), and my Loch Ness Monster Is A Puppet shirt. This is my holiday attire. You want to wear a jingle bell necklace? Fuck off, and go jingle somewhere else.

7. Starbucks Should Really Serve Vodka~ Most people like to pick up a strong, piping hot cup of coffee while they are out doing their holiday shopping. Personally, I'd much rather have a couple of shots of Jose Cuervo, with a little salt and lime. It makes the crowds easier to manage, takes the edge off the traffic, and hey, you can always return that karaoke machine you accidentally bought while under the influence (as long as you keep the receipt and get it back within 30 days). Since the world at large (or at least the coffee shop owners) don't seem to see eye to eye with me, I think my best option is to keep a flask of Absolut in my handbag. As long as I don't try to take it through airport security, I should be golden. Other people would likely back me up as well, as I am much more pleasant while tipsy.

And that, folks, is my current blueprint for getting through the holidays. Because Christmas can suck it.

No comments: