Friday, November 27, 2009

Reaching for Happy

November seems to have blown by in the bat of an eye. September and October were the same. On the one hand, this is fabulous, as this year fucking blows. On the other hand, I feel like I spend most of my time wandering around having no idea what day, week, or month it is, just trying to keep up with it all. I am terrified of time dragging. I am terrified of time passing. All in all, I guess there is no way to make me happy.

Somebody asked me recently if I'm happy. My answer was the happiness was something I have not yet reached, to which the rebuttal was that happiness was something you had to work for along the way. And what would make me happy?

Excellent damn question.

What WOULD make me happy? Most of the things seem out of reach. Having my Dad back. Knowing my purpose in life. Not feeling so guarded, like there is no one out there I can trust with my heart. Assurance that my children will always be safe and healthy. Feeling like I'm making a difference, somehow, some way. Those things would make me happy, but they are completely unreachable. They will never be within my grasp.

So what are the things that make me happy that I CAN have? Well, let's see. I like to drink coffee in my favorite chair and read my library book. I like to be able to put fresh blueberries in oatmeal occasionally in the summer when they are in season. I like to wear the pearls my parents gave me, and the earrings my Grandpa gave me. I like to feel pretty, and smart, and loved. I like the total silence when I'm home alone, and the laughter of my family when I'm not. I like seeing my Mom when she's thriving despite all the adversity, and talking to my brother when he's happy. I like the smell of gardenias, and watching it snow. I like it when I can remember my Dad without my eyes tearing, and when those memories makes me feel safe rather than scared and confused.

There are a lot of things that make me happy. Often, the smaller they are, the happier they can make me feel. But this year they are easy to overlook. So when next year rolls around, I will be looking out for a better year. I hope we are all granted a better year. 2009 has had too much heartbreak, here's hoping for a bright and shiny 2010.

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