Every year, I grace my readers with the Thanksgiving Blog, where I list all the things, both big and small, for which I've been thankful during the past year. Tonight I sat down to write my annual Blog of Gratefulness, thinking of all the things peppering my small life with joy, and one thing repeatedly came to mind:
Suck it, Thanksgiving.
Yes, there's pie (a plus), and the Macy's Parade (of which I'm a fan), but what do those things remind me of? My Dad (he loved pumpkin pie--he and I were the only two who would eat it) and my childhood (suck it, childhood). So this year, I've decided to make my Thankful List in reverse, as in the following:
THINGS FOR WHICH I WOULD BE ETERNALLY THANKFUL, IF ONLY THEY WERE TRUE AND ACTUALLY HAPPENED, BUT THEY'RE NOT AND THEY WON'T, SO I SHALL NEVER BE THANKFUL FOR SAID ITEMS, UNLESS HELL FREEZES OVER AND THE WORLD CEASES TO SPIN UPON ITS AXIS, AND ONE OF THEM TAKE PLACE, DURING WHICH TIME I WILL MOST LIKELY ALREADY BE DEAD
1. A President who doesn't suck~ Okay, go ahead. Get all political on me, send me emails with heated remarks. I don't care. I voted for Obama, because McCain lost me when he took on Palin. I have no problem with Obama, except I said from the beginning that the boy has no experience, is going to get in office and lock the hell up, and nothing is going to change. And I was right.
2. The school bus actually shows up on time, twice a day~ Every morning, Belly heads out the door at 8:15. Sometimes the bus shows up at 8:20. Sometimes it shows up at 9:20. Any point in between seems to be free game. In the afternoon, I start watching for the bus at 3:20. Sometimes it shows up at 3:22. Sometimes it shows up at 4:15. How fucking hard could it possibly be to show up within 5 or 10 minutes of the same time every day? We live nearly across the street from the school, and the bus only goes through our neighborhood, nowhere else. It seriously makes me question the abilities of our school system.
3. Johnny Depp is crowned People's Sexiest Man Alive~ Oh, wait. That's the one I actually got this year.
4. My friends don't leave~ Living in military central is hard. I develop rapport with people, I stop being such a heinous bitch and allow people to actually learn to adore me, and then they leave. It hurts when you lose people you care about. Trust me.
4. The library actually orders books that were released less than a decade ago~ Our library is gorgeous. It is new and clean and has a super fancy electronic check-out system. And very few books on the shelves. I swear, I've literally read every piece of fiction in the joint. I have more books in boxes in my garage (damn you, playroom, for taking precedence over my library) than the library has on the shelves. It makes me sad.
5. My family isn't crazy~ This is never going to happen. I would be totally fine with endearing, eccentric crazy. However, this is an assortment of fucked-the-hell-up. There are no words. Once again, trust me.
6. Tuesdays are awesome~ Why is it that Tuesdays always blow? I NEVER have good Tuesdays. I have no problem with them, they start with "T" and I'm okay with T. I think they are a little boring, being the second day at the beginning of the week, but I hold no grudge against them, except for the fact that SHIT ALWAYS GOES WRONG ON TUESDAYS. It does. Always.
7. Maryland is kicked out of the USA~ "Oh, Haley. Why do you hate Maryland so?" BECAUSE IT FUCKING BLOWS. Fuck off, Maryland. Go join some other country.
I like seven, so I shall stop with seven. Happy Thanksgiving, One and All.