Saturday, October 31, 2009

Sugar, Hi.


As I await the ghosts and goblins to materialize upon my doorstep demanding a sugar high, I thought what better way to kill time between the little monsters than to make a list. And while I have recently duly noted that not all of you appreciate lists (I believe the actual wording included the word "despise") I feel that since my tendency towards list-making is yet another facet of my awesomeness, it is crucial that I continue to grace the world at large with said lists. Thus I now give you:

A VERY WELL THOUGHT OUT AND DELIBERATE LIST OF FASCINATING THINGS I HAVE ENCOUNTERED THIS HALLOWEEN, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I ACTUALLY CHOSE TO ENCOUNTER THEM OR WHETHER THEY WERE FORCED UPON ME AGAINST MY BETTER WILL AND JUDGMENT

1. The Zombie~The Zombie is a cocktail containing many different liquors, including (but not limited to) brandy, and....well, actually I have no idea because by the time I chose The Zombie as my drink I had already had a very large (potentially triple-sized) Cosmopolitan and a Sam Adams and was far beyond paying much attention to detail. I know it had brandy in it, though, because Blaker mentioned that this morning. Anyway, the point is that I had never had a Zombie before, but after last night, I learned that one should never drink this Zombie (especially after a few other drinks) unless one wants to find, upon reviewing the photographs from the night before, that one stole a red feather boa, partially undressed, and wrapped themselves around a barely legal Hugh Hefner/Cowboy type character who claimed to be dressed as Van Wilder. And then had it photographed.

2. Things Never Quite Go As Planned~ For weeks, I've been hearing from my kids that they wanted to be a Snow Queen with Pink Hair and a Green Power Ranger With Orange Hair, respectively (my children are nothing if not particular). This remained the case up until approximately 20 minutes before trick-or-treating time, when my Snow Queen morphed into a pink fairy then into a princess then into a fairy princess (with no wings) and my Power Ranger became a Transformer then an Evil Genius Bad Guy. Now, having prepared myself for this yet knowing I am not one to embrace last minute changes, I fortified with vodka ahead of time. Unfortunately, it was vodka on am empty stomach, which, combined with huffing spray-on hair color fumes, didn't do much to encourage motor function. Hence, the kids' makeup is slightly askew.

3. Ain't No Party Like A Newport News Party~ B and I attended our first Halloween Extravaganza in six years last night, hosted by the ever-lovely Monica and Chris. Monica and Chris are a fun, childless couple with an incredibly cool house that was used as a Speakeasy during Prohibition. Although I was skeptical about partying with a bunch of engineers, it was a blast. There were cool decorations, tons of food, unbelievable amounts of liquor, and great costumes. I've never seen so many drunk engineers in my life, but as it turns out, engineers get a hell of a lot more fun when they're tanked. Who'd have known?

4. I love carving pumpkins. Usually, I help one kid carve one, and B helps the other kid carve another. This year I got my knives and scoopers and bags together to go outside and commence with the carving, only to be told by my children that they had absolutely zero interest in carving pumpkins. None. Refusing to bow to their ridiculous lack of enthusiasm, I set out carving my own damn pumpkin. B soon joined in. I just knew that the kids would see the crazy amounts of fun we were having and want to help, so our family tradition would be complete. I was wrong. They glanced at us once or twice, but chose to ride their bikes in circles around the driveway, then sweep out the garage. (How messed up is it that my kids would rather SWEEP than participate in McPhail Family Halloween Fun??) On a side note, the pumpkins look fucking fantastic.

5. Coincidental Hauntings~ I rarely watch television, and if I DO watch it, it's never the Biography or SyFy channels. There's just not enough time in my life for a good two hour in-depth exploration of Abigail Adams or the moons of Pluto. So how is it that today, when I'm totally psyched about Halloween tv AND find myself with a few minutes to spare, that I turn on the set to see that the only scary documentary-type ghost show (my favorites--fictional gore doesn't do it for me) is one that I've seen not once, but TWICE before? HOW CAN THAT BE? Does the universe REALLY hate me that much? REALLY? Apparently so.

I'm out of candy. Happy Halloween, Y'all.

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