Saturday, August 29, 2009

Hell (?), Yes (!).

I'm terribly uninspired these days. I can barely complete a thought, much less a blog or a story. It's partly due to stress, partly due to mood, partly due to boredom......my mind is pervaded by a whole lot of nothing these days. It's irritating, and it makes me shrewish (even more so than usual). Which means in lieu of something deep and provocative, this blog shall be about:

A TASTEFUL SELECTION OF REASONS WHY I, DESPITE MY EDUCATION, KNOWLEDGE, AND GENERAL AWARENESS ABOUT THE WORLD AND MANY OF THE RELIGIONS IT ENCOMPASSES, WILL MOST LIKELY END UP BURNING IN HELL ONCE I MEET MY DEMISE, WHICH I FEEL (DUE TO MY ACUTE INTUITION AND MODERATE PSYCHIC ABILITIES) WILL MOST LIKELY HAPPEN SOONER RATHER THAN LATER BUT REGARDING WHICH I'M ACTUALLY VAGUELY AMBIVALENT

1. I make fun of midgets. I do. Not to their faces, but just in a general sense. They are freaky, and leave me feeling, at best, terribly unsettled after a midget encounter. I know that they cannot help their midgetness and that I, myself, could have been born a midget. But I wasn't. I'm a giantess at 5'3", towering over their little midget selves. And they are funny to me. I even use "midgets and applesauce" as code for kinky sex (TMI, yet oh, so true). My theory? That there is a special circle of hell just for me where I shall spend the day, enslaved by midgets. Potentially involving applesauce. And if I'm REALLY horrible in this life, said midgets will be uncircumcised (comments, Joel from Canada)?

2. I do not like children. You know that line in "It's a Wonderful Life" where they say every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings? Well, every time I hear a child screeching I swear I lose a year off my life. They are messy, they are loud, they leave peanut butter smeared in unmentionable places, and they are capable of making the word "poop" into two syllables. To me, children are short, vastly obnoxious little people who have terrible taste in clothing and stunted motor skills (how difficult IS it to wipe your own behind?). I like my OWN children, of course (although I'm not sure why as they don't even slightly resemble me and certainly meet the criteria for NOT liking kids that is listed above) but rarely care for the offspring of others. Sue me. It's my prerogative.

3. I think the death penalty is a fabulous idea, although instead of death row and all of those ridiculous appeals, I think those proven guilty without a shadow of a doubt should just be dragged out behind the prison and shot. There should even be a system for the shooting. For example, if you are a rapist, you are first shot in the genitals. You get the picture. I would totally put in an application for Rapist Shooter employment opportunities.

4. I am married to a man who feels strongly that it was highly likely that "Jesus got all the chicks." B doesn't believe that Jesus died a virgin. B believes that Jesus probably used that whole "son of God" thing as a pick-up line. Do I agree with him? No. But my beliefs tend to sway so far to another dimension that Jesus's sex life really isn't applicable.

5. I am not respectful of God's creatures. Is there a snake in the kitchen? Let's hack off its head! A spider in the bathtub? Get my shoe! I would never kill or injure a bunny or a dog or a spider monkey, but if something creepy (like an Eastern Box Turtle) comes crawling my way--watch out, because I'm loading the .38. I do not care if you are an active member of PETA, I do not care that a turtle couldn't catch me if it wanted to, that bitch is going to die.

6. I enjoy messing with Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. If they come to the house and want to tell me about their Lord, I invite them in. They decline (seeing as how I'm a female all alone), yet I entice them. I offer them candy. I offer them baked goods. I offer them a ride so they don't have to ride their stupid bicycles. I work, methodically, like a serial killer, circling my prey, drawing them deeper and deeper into my scary world of sin, and then.....I let them go. Hey, I'm going to hell. I'm not the devil incarnate.

7. I'm potentially Agnostic. Which means I couldn't go to Hell anyway, because I probably don't believe there IS such a place. Is there a higher being? Yes, I think so. A higher SOMETHING, anyway. Is there the God I've been brought up to believe in? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Is there a Heaven? I sort of think there's probably just a Beyond, where we all end up, a combination of energy forces that have passed into something grand. But who knows. Nobody, really.

Nobody, really.

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