Saturday, July 11, 2009

That FREAKS Me Out

Those of you who spend much time around me know that there are a LOT of things in this world that freak me out. The old stand-bys are lima beans, ponchos, stickers, and when people call donkeys "burros," mostly because it sounds a little too much like "burrito" to me, which is something I like very much and do not want to associate with donkeys. The list seems to be growing these days, and while I was stuck in traffic FOREVER today (damn you, Monitor Merrimac!! damn you straight to hell!) out of total boredom and an intense desire to do ANYTHING but have another sing-along with my kids, I jotted down (on my arm, with lip liner) more things that freak me out. Just for you guys.

NEW ADDITIONS TO THE EVER-GROWING AND EVOLVING LIST OF THINGS THAT FREAK ME, HALEYSTARR, THE HELL OUT AND OF WHICH I HAVE NO INTEREST IN WORKING THROUGH MY FEAR, OR DISTASTE, OF AND REACHING A POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I MIGHT, SOMEDAY, PERHAPS, BE ABLE TO ENJOY SAID OBJECTS WITHOUT BEING FREAKED THE HELL OUT

1. iPhones~ Dude, who the hell really NEEDS one of these freaky things? They are complicated and scary and when you touch the screen things just go everywhere! It makes me a total and complete nervous wreck. When I see someone pull out his or her iPhone, I immediately start to shake and feel the need to have a drink and calm myself down before I start seeing things move all over the screen. You never know what might happen with a touchscreen, folks! Touchscreens are the devil! Things just go all willy-nilly! And I JUST NOW figured out how to change the voicemail and use speed dial on my regular old cell phone, so the idea of a phone with downloadable applications sends me straight for the Xanax and the vodka, chased with wine and Valium. I am not a girl of the future.

2. Uncircumcised penises~ This is something that I have no personal experience with, thank God, and fully intend to make it my life's work trying to keep it that way. I always had a general, yet very vague, idea of how these creepy little suckers looked and operated, but it was only recently that I TOTALLY figured it all out, thanks to lovely little tutorial from Morgan and Ray on the way to the No Doubt concert. Thanks guys. I'm STILL having nightmares about retracting foreskins.

3. The gym employees~ I realize these people are just there to help you, answer questions, and drag your ass off of the treadmill and send you to get your kid if he won't stop crying in the Child Watch center. However, they still make me very nervous. It's that same feeling I get when I know I'm not breaking the law, but I see a policeman look at me and all of a sudden I stand up straighter and try to look REALLY innocent (which is hard for me, since I'm so street) because even though I know he can't read my mind I'm terrified that he can tell I'm thinking, "I hate you, you motherfucking bitch-assed excuse for a human being! You and your dark, shady glasses and your billy stick need to just MOVE ON ALONG before I lose my cool and go all Jedi on your punk ass!" I hate police officers. Many long, complicated stories. Anyway, whenever I'm PreCoring or weight-lifting or treadmilling my little heart out and I see one of those bored-looking gym employees wander by, I get a twisty feeling in the pit of my stomach and do a quick once-over to make sure I'm not dripping sweat on the digital screen or anything. Not that the hungover, barely literate high school students who work at the Y actually give a damn, but still. It's just one of those things.

4. Men who wear white briefs~ I realize that there are some reasons for men to wear briefs, as opposed to the sexier boxers or the SUPER sexier (depending on the build of the man) boxer-briefs, although for the life of me I can't actually tell you what any of them are. I'm just sure they do exist. But that doesn't change the fact that whenever I see a guy in plain white briefs, I do NOT think of sexy Mark Walberg in a Calvin Klein commercial presenting his sizable package to the world, but instead of my little brother running around the house when he was a kid wearing his "tighty whities" and pretending to be Davy Crockett. That is so messed up. So fellows, if you HAVE to wear briefs for some reason (and I would truly love to hear exactly what the reason is), please try to branch out a little and get some nice gray ones, or navy blue or something. They're slightly more mature than the plain white.

5. Cheetos~ What the hell IS that orange powder made of, anyway? It practically glows in the dark, it's next to impossible to get out of my kids' clothes (for the record, I do not give them Cheetos, but their YaYa does when I'm not around to throw down with her) and it IS JUST WEIRD. And the actual Cheetos themselves, beneath the powder? Don't get me started on that. It's just wrong.

Ugh. I've nauseated myself thinking of Cheetos and uncircumcised penises, so I need to stop for now.

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