Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Many Uses of Me

I recently had a conversation with a friend, during which I made the remark that he should make a list of all the reasons he's useful, because it probably would not be a very long list. Granted, I was (mostly) joking, but it got me to thinking, "For what am I useful?" And I realized I was kind of drawing a blank. Damn.

Here's what I've got so far:


1. Wine recommendations~ I drink a lot. Not like, get up in the morning and break out the Chardonnay (well, not MOST mornings), but more like "Dear Jesus, let's hope livers really do regenerate, otherwise I'm irreversibly screwed." You know, about average. The bright spot in all this organ damage is that I've tried many, many different brands and varietals of wines and have created a decent working knowledge of them all in my head. So, should you be wondering, "What's a good, mid-priced Pinot?" or "What is a spicy red that goes well with rare beef?" I'm the girl to ask.

2. I'm practically fearless~ Need a spider killed? A base jumping partner? Someone to tell your husband to go fuck himself because it's really not fair for him to call you names because you skipped going to the gym today? Other than being Ophidiophobic, I fear essentially nothing, including excruciating pain and impending death. If you're scared to do it, I probably am not. And if you give me vodka beforehand, I definitely am not.

3. High Entertainment Value~ This is likely due to the frequent drunkenness and fearlessness, nevertheless, it gets its own place on the list. I also have a tendency to hit and swear at people who make me angry, which other people seem to enjoy watching (particularly when I'm pregnant, but if you're interested in that show, you've missed the boat because I have no intention of producing another child).

4. I'm the literati~ I have a vast working knowledge of most books AND authors, as well as strong opinions on both. I feel reasonably certain that most people at Barnes & Noble either find me extremely helpful, or excruciatingly obnoxious, because when I see someone looking at a book I've read (which is most of them), it's very difficult for me to hold back my feelings regarding said book. (On a side note, they should really hire me to circulate and make suggestions to people, as I am very, very good at it and would be an asset to their establishment.)

5. I'm intuitive~ Another job at which I would be fabulous would be Justice Operative (yes, I just coined that title). The government could hire me to show up with my Tarot cards and my intuition and gauge the guilt of criminals and/or the outcome of crimes. I have an uncanny ability to read other people, and can tell from the moment I see someone, before he or she even says a word, whether or not I'm going to like him or her. (Usually I don't, because most people suck. From time to time, when I meet someone I feel this way about, as soon as they say "hello," I will say, "I don't care for you," and walk away. Or if I REALLY don't like them, "Get back, you boil upon the face of humanity! Crawl back into the hellhole from which you came!" It's part of my charm.)

6. Size matters~ I'm reasonably small for a grown woman, so I can fit into places that many people cannot. Drop something behind the bookshelf? Never fear, my hands are small enough to fit back there. Need something that's really far up under the bed? No problem, I'm little enough to slide under there. (On a side note, I can also wear clothes from the children's department if they are a size large. This has been known to come in handy for various reasons that we will not get into right now.)

7. I'm fun and easy (and yes, I like the way that sounds)~ I will preface this by saying that I'm USUALLY fun and easy. There are a couple of instances during which I am not fun nor easy, namely times of PMS and high blood sugar. However, those times aside, I'm SUPER FUN and SUPER EASY. I'm not a picky eater, I'm not obsessed with how I look, and I'm pretty much always up for anything. Additionally, if you don't already have a plan, I'm always full of good ideas (potentially strange ideas, but still good ones). Yes. Yes, I am.

Right at this moment, I can't seem to think of anything else. (Also, I really have an attachment to odd numbers, particularly 7 and 13, and since I know that I can't think of enough items to make it to 13, I would like to stop here to stroke my own OCD tendencies. You may have noticed over the years that I am also outrageously fond of parenthesis, but that's totally tangential.) For now, this will have to suffice.

No comments: