Friday, July 24, 2009

I Don't Need Much, Just Enough To Get Me Through

As I've mentioned before, I'm an easy girl. I work very hard not to ask people for anything. I have a predilection for independence, and greatly prefer handling any situation on my own (particularly if it involves conflict and I get to swear at and/or hit someone) rather than requesting the help of another. I have dear friends who are attorneys, doctors, nurses, mechanics, successful screenwriters, and professional photographers. However, should my camera refuse to focus, my kid turn up with an unidentified rash, or someone choose to press charges against me for assault, it is not normally one of these people whom I call. Why? Because that feels like abuse. And I don't like to be indebted to anyone. It opens you up.

In my lifetime, I have struggled with an amalgamation of hardships, most within the past decade. I've wanted to live and I've wanted to die, I've had times of plenty and times where I went without, I've fought hard and won and fought harder and lost. It's the way of the world. It's made me who I am. I do not like to snuggle. I am not touchy-feely. Sappy things make me want to vomit.

That said, I'm feeling a little lonely these days. Most of my friends are busy with travels, changes, jobs, pregnancies, LIFE. Sentimental things. Things that I don't want to talk about anymore than I want to talk about why I'm feeling lonely. Talking about feelings is not one of my strong points. And not likely to become one anytime soon. But I would like to talk. I would like to talk about what I should plant in the stupid garden area in my front yard and how I learned to make awesome caprese. I would like to talk about what color you are painting your living room and why you wish you could murder your boss.

Just don't ask me to cuddle.

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