MORE THINGS I SECRETLY THINK BUT (USUALLY) DON'T SAY OUT LOUD (EXCEPT OCCASIONALLY BY ACCIDENT WHEN I THINK I'M TALKING TO MYSELF BUT THERE ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE AROUND ME WHO ARE THEN AT LEAST MILDLY OFFENDED, DEPENDING ON THE DEGREE OF MY SWEAR WORDS, AND FREQUENTLY THINK I'M SCHIZOPHRENIC, WHICH I MAY WELL BE)
(My list titles just get better and better.)
1. I want to have Rob Zombie's baby. Well, I do. I mean, he's the epitome of FREAKY. Just being able to say "I had sex with Rob Zombie," would be awesome. But bearing his crazy Zombie offspring? Total sweetness. He may be dirty and somewhat frightening to look at, but he's probably a big softy underneath all that crazy and crud. You know VH1 would want to do a Behind-The-Music special about me and Baby Zombie, which would be a definite high point in my life. Lastly, I'm quite intrigued by the challenge of finding a first name that goes with "Zombie" as a last name. I'm thinking, perhaps, "Zulu."
2. I think I might be an Orchid Whisperer. You know, like the Horse Whisperer and the Dog Whisperer. When I received the orchid from my Dad's service, I was told it would survive a max of six weeks in my house before it needed to be shipped off to a greenhouse or just keeled the hell over and died a horrible orchid death. But alas, the orchid lives! Fourteen weeks later, and three new blooms (with an additional two nubs-to-be-blooms) the orchid is flourishing atop my piano. Is it a super orchid? I think not. I firmly hold steadfast to the belief that my Conversational Orchid Skills, combined with feeding it a steady diet of ice cubes is the secret.
3. Obama gets on my last nerve. Now, don't get me wrong. I voted for him. I'm ALL over some stem cell research. I would have sold my soul to the devil (among other things) to avoid having Sarah Palin in office, but DUDE. Obama is annoying as all hell. Mr. President can't speak worth a damn. He always looks like he's trying really hard not to look vaguely confused and totally overwhelmed. It's totally fucking with my head, particularly if I'm watching CNN while I'm on the treadmill at the Y and he's on tv but the volume is muted so all I see is his facial expressions. Mind fuck. (*Disclaimer--this could be because I usually take a shot or two of vodka before I go to the Y. Mind fucks come easier post-vodka.)
4. It kills me, KILLS ME, that New Kids On the Block has made a comeback and people my age ACTUALLY CARE! Seriously. It's a huge pet peeve. It makes me want to drill a hole in my head, stick a teaspoon in, and dig out part of my own brain just so I don't think about it. Why does it annoy me so badly? Well, truthfully, I don't actually know. It just DOES.
5. I have a hidden addiction to the blog "Fuck You, Penguin." It doesn't matter how sad or sober I am, I can pull up some "Fuck You, Penguin" and be laughing so hard I'm crying within a few minutes. I have a really messed up sense of humor, and he just GETS it. If I EVER locate the "Fuck You, Penguin" author, I'm going to have his baby too. Right after I deliver Baby Zombie.
6. I do not like children. I may have mentioned this before, but since I think it so often, it's on the forefront of my mind. I love MY children. I frequently LIKE them as well. However, I would never have had the opportunity, had it been left up to me and not to Blaker's super sperm. Additionally, there are a handful of other children that I am ever-so-slightly fond of on a regular basis. However, as a whole, I do not care for little people. Not midgets. Not dwarfs. Not jockeys or gymnasts. Not kids.
7. People who wear visors freak me the hell out. They aren't real hats! They don't cover your head! I don't care if they shade your eyes--get some sunglasses. I have a practiced speech Blaker refers to as "The Visor Talk" (it's really more of an intervention) that I am not afraid to thrust upon random visor wearers as I encounter them in public. Visors. They're just wrong.