Last night as I was lying in bed, I was thinking about how different my life had turned out than what I expected. I never planned to have children. I never planned to lose my Dad when he was so young. I never expected to live in Suffolk or to get published or to have agreed to have Boudoir photographs taken and included in a photography portfolio, particularly after carrying and having two children (I still owe you, Ray). Life is made up of the good and the bad--sometimes the very good, or the very bad--and you never, ever know what ratio you're going to get from one year to the next. This year has been a lot of bad. But I've had many years that were so full of good it almost seems sinful.
I'm leaving on Wednesday to go to New York City for four days and I'm very excited. People keep asking me, "Are you going to see a show??" (What IS that all about? I swear, EVERY SINGLE PERSON who finds out we're going asks that question.) No. The answer is NO. We thought about it, there are things I wouldn't mind seeing, but you know what? I just want to walk and walk and walk. I want to eat lots of great food. I want to inhale Central Park. I want to sit in St. Patrick's Cathedral and just think about my life. I want to get lost in the Met.
For four months now, 2009 has seemed like a year of sadness. But I'm trying to turn it into a year of contemplation instead. A year to be thankful for the wonderful twists and turns my life has taken and for the blessings I have been given. A year to think about what I want to do with my future as my children grow (I've narrowed it down to CIA Operative or Dominatrix, I think--at least for today). A year to grow myself.
Wish me luck.