Saturday, April 11, 2009

Egg Roll, Anybody?

AN AMALGAMATION OF MEMORIES I HAVE OF EASTERS PAST, WHICH SHOULD GO A LONG WAY IN EXPLAINING WHY I AM THE WAY I AM:

1. Easter 1985: I decide that it isn't fair that my brother and I receive Easter Baskets but my parents do not. I persuade my Grandma to take me to the discount store where I proceed to spend my allowance buying a basket, Easter grass, votive candles, rabbit figurines, and Old Spice. After my parents go to bed I make their Easter Basket. I am furtive and very excited. The basket doesn't appear full enough, so I swipe my Dad's Michelob from the fridge to fill in the holes. The first cheap-cologne-and-beer basket is born.

2. Easter 1987 (I think): I receive ALL of the New Kids On the Block "big buttons" in my Easter basket, along with Paula Abdul's "Forever Your Girl" cassette tape. ( I learn later it's because my Dad didnt' t know which New Kid I loved the most, so he felt he must purchase ALL the buttons.) I spend the next three months making up dance moves to "Cold-Hearted Snake" and lusting over Donnie Walberg while dressed as Madonna (the Madonna dressing was a phase that I finally grew out of in the sixth grade). I wonder how on earth the Easter Bunny managed to be both a bunny AND extremely hip. (Shut up. I was only nine.)

3. Easter 1996: After church, I drive down into the farm where we lived to invite my Grandpa to Easter lunch. I found him cutting back brush at the edge of the fields. When I got out of my car to talk to him, he silently handed me a pair of hedge cutters and put me to work. I missed lunch, and spent approximately four hours cutting back brush while wearing my Easter dress and heels. My parents thought I had been abducted.

3. Easter 2004: Blaker and I decide to dye eggs with 9-month-old Bellamy at my parents' house. Being the Type A person that I am, I have to dye eggs IN A CERTAIN WAY. I HAVE A SYSTEM, PEOPLE! IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW THE SYSTEM, THINGS GO ALL TO HELL!! Blaker and I have a huge fight about my egg analness, and refuse to speak to one another for approximately 24 hours.

4. Easter 2008: I finally learn, after many, many years that the only way to survive coloring eggs with two small children is to be drunk ahead of time. I figure this out AFTER we have already colored the eggs.

5. Easter 2009: A glass of Merlot. A very strong Cosmopolitan. Coloring eggs is actually enjoyable for the first time I can remember.

Praise God for alcohol.

1 comment:

vanilla said...

HA, you thought I wouldn't see this didn't you??? You CONFESSED to like NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!!!! And you have called me gay and lame over my NKOTB adventures lately. You have no clout with me now since you owned all the new kid BIG BUTTONS. I would have given anything to own them all. Alas, I only owned one when growing up.

You are so BUSTED BIATCH!!!!!!!