AN AMALGAMATION OF MEMORIES I HAVE OF EASTERS PAST, WHICH SHOULD GO A LONG WAY IN EXPLAINING WHY I AM THE WAY I AM:
1. Easter 1985: I decide that it isn't fair that my brother and I receive Easter Baskets but my parents do not. I persuade my Grandma to take me to the discount store where I proceed to spend my allowance buying a basket, Easter grass, votive candles, rabbit figurines, and Old Spice. After my parents go to bed I make their Easter Basket. I am furtive and very excited. The basket doesn't appear full enough, so I swipe my Dad's Michelob from the fridge to fill in the holes. The first cheap-cologne-and-beer basket is born.
2. Easter 1987 (I think): I receive ALL of the New Kids On the Block "big buttons" in my Easter basket, along with Paula Abdul's "Forever Your Girl" cassette tape. ( I learn later it's because my Dad didnt' t know which New Kid I loved the most, so he felt he must purchase ALL the buttons.) I spend the next three months making up dance moves to "Cold-Hearted Snake" and lusting over Donnie Walberg while dressed as Madonna (the Madonna dressing was a phase that I finally grew out of in the sixth grade). I wonder how on earth the Easter Bunny managed to be both a bunny AND extremely hip. (Shut up. I was only nine.)
3. Easter 1996: After church, I drive down into the farm where we lived to invite my Grandpa to Easter lunch. I found him cutting back brush at the edge of the fields. When I got out of my car to talk to him, he silently handed me a pair of hedge cutters and put me to work. I missed lunch, and spent approximately four hours cutting back brush while wearing my Easter dress and heels. My parents thought I had been abducted.
3. Easter 2004: Blaker and I decide to dye eggs with 9-month-old Bellamy at my parents' house. Being the Type A person that I am, I have to dye eggs IN A CERTAIN WAY. I HAVE A SYSTEM, PEOPLE! IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW THE SYSTEM, THINGS GO ALL TO HELL!! Blaker and I have a huge fight about my egg analness, and refuse to speak to one another for approximately 24 hours.
4. Easter 2008: I finally learn, after many, many years that the only way to survive coloring eggs with two small children is to be drunk ahead of time. I figure this out AFTER we have already colored the eggs.
5. Easter 2009: A glass of Merlot. A very strong Cosmopolitan. Coloring eggs is actually enjoyable for the first time I can remember.
Praise God for alcohol.