Sunday, March 8, 2009

Thanks, but No Thanks

I realized a few days ago that there are very few things in this world that I desire, and of those few things, I can have exactly NONE of them. Granted, they are pretty tall orders--I want my Dad back, a guarantee that my kids will always be healthy and happy, summer to be here NOW.....I guess you can see why I can't have any of them. In order to make myself feel better, I compiled a list of things I COULD have, but will never, ever want.

HALEY'S LIST OF ITEMS THAT SOME PEOPLE, SOMEWHERE DILIGENTLY WISH FOR, BUT THAT SHE, HERSELF, HAS NO DESIRE TO EVER POSSESS AND IF THEY WERE GIVEN TO HER SHE WOULD SET THEM ON FIRE JUST FOR FUN BECAUSE SHE LIKES TO BURN STUFF

1. A BOAT. I like the water. I'm a great swimmer. Jet skis can be lots of fun (at least they were when I was a teenager). But I HATE boats and I think that they are the most ridiculous excuse for recreation ever created (except, maybe, for golf). I don't understand what's so fun about floating around on a dirty body of water. Those people who want to spend their Sundays at the river skiing and drinking beer? I'M NOT ONE OF THEM. I've been on many boats in my life, and the only two I ever enjoyed were a whitewater raft and a cruise ship. So if you want to throw me an ice sculpture or two, a stateroom with a balcony, and a midnight dessert bar on your ski boat and invite me out for the afternoon, you may convince me. Otherwise, leave me out of your boating plans. My feelings will not be hurt.

2. A FANCY HANDBAG. Chanel, Gucci, Hermes, Birkin bags........of course I've heard of them. I've seen them. I care nothing about them. When I see a photo of a celebrity carrying a five-thousand dollar handbag, I think, "Dude. I could have done a lot of damage in Barnes & Noble for what she paid for that ugly thing." I can't even shop for a bag when I need a new one because I get so bored. All of my handbags are hand-me-downs from my Mom (who is obsessed with them). Right now, I'm carrying a $10 bag from Target that my Mom convinced me to buy because my old bag was falling apart and this one was cute, colorful, and big enough for me to fit an arsenal inside since I'm considering forging a career as a hit woman. I can guarantee you that in five years, I'll still be carrying it unless it has disintegrated.

3. CROCS. My mother loves them. My children love them. I would rather sever my own head than wear them. Ditto on Uggs.

4. AN ALL EXPENSES PAID SKI TRIP WHERE I WAS FORCED TO SKI. Yes, this would be hard to burn. Yes, Blaker would enjoy this if he was allowed to snowboard instead of ski. But you see, I am a non-athletic, non-outdoorsy, warm-weather kinda girl. I hate the cold. I have less than zero desire to participate in any form of winter sports (just the words "winter sports" are the antithesis of Haley), which is a good thing because if I DID want to do these things, some orthopaedic surgeon somewhere would have to devote his career to repairing my breaks and various other injuries. Even if I was Picabo-freakin'-Street, I would trade those skis for a fireplace and a bottle of wine in a heartbeat and never look back.

5. A FERRET. Burning it would be inhumane, so despite my hatred for the little beasts, I would suck it up and take him to the shelter instead of torching him. But it would be hard, because I hate them that much. My brother used to have a ferret named Magoo and that little bastard was the smelliest, ugliest, creepiest little mammal I have ever encountered. He would have been much more useful if someone had killed him, taxidermied him, and used him as one of those things that you put along the door jamb to keep the cold air outside. When I'm Queen of the World, ferrets will be outlawed.

So if anybody has stored any of those things up for my next gift-receiving holiday, I hope you kept your receipts. If not, I'm more than willing to let you help me light the blowtorch.

2 comments:

Dan said...

Why not add Cats to the list!

Sure, they're cute, cuddly, and independent. You can leave them at home alone for a few days while out camping or having a 3 day bender.... But, at the end of the day, you have a house that smells of ammonia, a box full of crap coated in grape nuts, and hair that invades every corner of every surface in the house.

Oh wait, this is YOUR list. My bad. Hey - do you want our cat?

haleystarr said...

Thanks, Dan, but I will let you keep the cat. If I hadn't gotten distracted by a toddler who needed to potty, I would have definitely gotten around to adding cats to the list. Eventually.