Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Death by Snow Day
A VITALLY IMPORTANT LIST OF REASONS WHY I WILL JUMP OFF A BRIDGE BEFORE I ENDURE ANOTHER SNOW DAY AT HOME WITH MY CHILDREN
1. Snow should not be eaten. Period. Not yellow snow, not dirty snow, not even the "clean" snow that falls out of the sky. I have taught my children this. But when you see a piece of leaf stuck to your 5-year-old's mouth after she has been begging you all morning to let her eat the snow, you can't help but suspect the worst. And the worst is that your child has probably consumed dog pee.
At least, I'm pretending that this is the worst case scenario here. Humor me.
2. One can only explain so many times to a toddler that no, it is NOT OKAY, to wear Diego flip-flops out to play in the snow. Not even with socks.
3. A half-inch of snow does not a snowman make. Not even if you work really hard for a really long time in the twenty-five degree weather (wind chill, 10 degrees) rolling and rolling that half-inch of snow as your children search madly for objects to use as snowman facial features. However, a half-inch of snow DOES make for disappointed children when that snowman doesn't work out because there isn't enough snow and it's not sticking together and you are just too damn cold to care anymore.
4. It is next to impossible to make a Princess-obsessed kindergartener accept that even though Belle can go out in the snow in her sparkling yellow dress and cape and stay sufficiently warm, real little girls cannot. If real little girls try to play outside in their very thin, polyester, glitter-dotted golden gown, silver glitter Mary Janes, and dress-up Snow Queen cape, it will most likely result in an emergency room visit (for hypothermia, pneumonia, or Mommy's heart attack).
5. When one discovers that one is frozen in (much like snowed in, but with ice) the backyard because the stupid gate is frozen shut (I didn't want to go back through the house and across the rug after we were all wet and muddy), it can become clear that the only way to escape is to remove one's gloves, turn on the water hose, and spray the lock on the garden gate until it becomes unfrozen so that one can go around the house, through the garage, and strip the kids down in the mudroom. Using the hose to unfreeze the gate can make a large puddle. Small children and small dogs enjoy large puddles. Even when it's below freezing outside. Mommy, however, does not enjoy large, icy puddles or the clean-up of the kids, dogs, garage and mudroom.
6. No. We cannot take snow inside to play with at the kitchen table OR in the bathtub.
7. Yes, snow is "swippery." How many relatives must we call so that you can tell them this?
Please. God. Spring. Now.