Saturday, March 21, 2009

Bite Me! or: Dude! I Just Watched Twilight!

Back in December when I was visiting my parents in TN for Christmas, I watched a pirated copy of "Twilight." It sucked. Granted, it wasn't a very good copy (kind of grainy, due to the pirating) AND I was sitting in my Dad's hospital bed watching it as he took hits off his pain-meds pump which made him delusional (which is highly upsetting, hence incredibly distracting). Those two things combined led me to believe that perhaps it wasn't really as bad as I thought it was. Perhaps it was just the CIRCUMSTANCES under which I watched it originally that made it bad. So I decided, since it was officially released on DVD today, that I should watch it again.

The kids were gone. The husband was gone. (All gone to Durham for a family gathering that wasn't in my best interests.) Netflix deemed me lucky enough to receive "Twilight" in my handy-dandy mailbox. All systems go.

Twenty minutes into the movie, I thought, "Dude. This SUCKS. What shall I do? What shall I do? Oh, yeah. I bet it would be better if I got tanked." A martini and two glasses of Chardonnay later, it still sucked. But at least it was funny after a few drinks.

I loved the books, in a throwback-to-being-a-teenager sort of way. So what was my problem with the movie? Let's see:

1. The special effects BLEW. Super-fast, diamond-sparkling-in-the-sunshine Edward WAS NOT impressive. I swear, the special effects were worse than those in the first Star Wars movie. They were BAD. The sparkling skin was just....blurry and weird. The super-fastness was just....generic and bad. Didn't this movie make like a bazillion dollars already? I hope they spend some of that on effects for the next installment. They clearly went bargain basement for the first one.

2. The acting BLEW. I used to really like the chick who played Bella. I saw her in some Meg Ryan movie once and thought, "Hey, she's kinda pretty. She's a decent actor." Not so much. (I was clearly drinking heavily when I watched the Meg Ryan move. Which isn't uncommon.) Edward's voice drove me INSANE. It was almost effeminate. I know he's supposed to be all tortured and romantic, but he can still SOUND LIKE A MAN. Right? Right. BUCK UP AND SOUND LIKE A MAN, EDWARD! I won't even go into how bad Rosalie and Alice were. And Jasper totally channeled Edward Scissorhands the entire movie. Freaked me the hell out.

3. The script BLEW. Important chunks were left out of the screenplay. Maybe I wouldn't have noticed that if I hadn't read the books first, but hey, who HASN'T read the books yet? (Except Blaker--he might be the only person on planet Earth who hasn't read any of the Twilight series. Vampires just don't do it for him, which is unfortunate, because I'd make a damn good vampire. I stay up late. I like to bite people. Immortality sounds pretty awesome. But, I digress.)

Anyway, the point is: Why do people like this movie??? Unless it's like "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" (which, by the way, I've never watched) where it clearly sucks but has the crazy cult following. That's all I can figure. Maybe I should watch it again.

And yes, I'm still tanked.

1 comment:

vanilla said...


Oh, I have never watched Rockey Horror Picture Show either.

Twilight did suck!!!! MASSIVELY!!! I agree with your list. Scarlett Johanssen would have been a better Rosalie. I liked Alice in looks only. I think they BAD editing and writing might have mad her acting seem awful. Hey, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Russ has not read the books either. I don't think he cares for vampires either. Obviously, if you look at the time this is posted, I am vampirish too. I think I'd be a awesome vampire as well.