Thursday, October 2, 2008

Shane's Life History and Disney On Ice

Last night I took Bellamy to Disney on Ice, and met one of the biggest freaks I've met since we moved to Hampton Roads. Shane.

But let me back up.

Disney on Ice was "Girls' Night," just me and the Bug, because we figured that though Sutton, who is scared of pretty much everything, would enjoy parts of it, there would be much more screaming and ear-covering than enjoyment if we took him along. Bellamy had requested that we both dress like Princesses for the show, which was fine, except that my princess wardrobe is slightly lacking these days. (Unless you count the dress from my first wedding, which is exceptionally princess-like due to all the pouf and tulle. However, with pouf comes inconvenience, as it is terribly hard to maneuver about while wearing said dress.) Also, despite the fact that there are no fewer than twenty tiaras at our house, we were somehow only able to locate one that was not damaged in some way, thus rendering them unsuitable for Princess Me. The end result was that Bellamy was head-to-toe the Pink of Perfection, and I was my regular old self.

We left early to get to the Hampton Coliseum. I figured traffic would suck (it did) and wanted to get there early to make sure that we could get parked and find our seats and all that jazz before the show started. Once we got there and purchased the prerequisite Little Mermaid Magic Wand, which both lights up AND plays music and cost pretty much the equivalent of a compact car, we found our seats and got settled in. And that's when we met Shane.

Shane was sitting one (empty) seat away from Bellamy, along with his brother, his brother's kid, and Shane's son, Shae. (Confusing, I know--Shane, Shae-- too much similarity there for me. It's like this girl I knew once who had two daughters named Isabella and Anabella. That's just a "bella" overload, in my opinion.) As soon as we sat down, Shane introduced himself, and launched into what I like to now think of as the World's Greatest Too Much Information Monologue. It went something like this:

(Part One)
"Hey! How're you? I'm Shane. This here's my boy, Shae. He's three. How old's she? 'Bout five? That's my brother over there and his boy. He called me up and said, 'hey, you wanna go see Disney ice skatin'?' and I was like 'HELL, YEAH!' I'm more excited than my boy. Oh, sorry about that 'hell.' It's just us boys tonight out causin' trouble, watching McQueen and all. I ain't with Shae's momma no more because when I met that girl, you see, she was really TIGHT. And I mean, TIGHT. Then she went and had this boy and just let herself GO! She got all fat and stuff and her hair got all greasy and one day next thing I know she come and told me that she done met her some dude at a trailer park--he's all fat and stuff-- and she was done gonna go move in with him. I was like, 'if he wants to live with your fat self, you just go on. You used to be TIGHT!'"

Then he offered me a congealed nacho, and finally stopped talking to take a breath.

Now, you've probably got a few questions about Shane, most of which I cannot answer, but a few I probably can. He was about mid-twenties, charming and mildly unkempt, with the maturity level of a fifteen-year-old boy. I'm also fairly certain, although not positive since I'm not from this area, that he might have been the Hampton Roads version of a redneck (which is slightly different than the Tennessee version, but with several similarities, such as his girlfriend leaving him for a fat guy in a trailer park). He was also super friendly, used lots of hand gestures, and like to smack his fist against his other palm for emphasis.

Lucky for me, the show started before he could tell me his blood type or sexual preferences. The show was great--lots of confetti and bright colors, music, skating, the whole nine yards. Belly was entranced, and I was having more fun watching her face than the performance. Things went swimmingly for about an hour and a half, then it was time for Intermission. And more from Shane.

(Part Two)
"Hey! How you likin' the show? You like Mater? I love me some Mater. Me and my boy here both love us some McQueen, but that Mater just cracks me up. I think we's gonna run down and get us some chicken fingers. You think they got chicken fingers here? I was at this car show once and they didn't have no chicken fingers, but you could buy a whole box of chicken and just take it home with you! I'se like 'damn!' Saw cars, had some chicken, got me one of them hats drank some beers. I don't think they got no beers here. Hey I like your bracelet. This girl I knew once made me this tight bracelet out of like a bicycle chain. It was all black and she painted it and--it wasn't Shae's momma--this girl was TIGHT. She could make all kinds of stuff out of like chains and wood and rocks and money and stuff. She had these feathers..."

This is when I excused myself and Bellamy to go to the bathroom. There was no way in hell I was going to the bathroom because I knew the lines would be insane. What I wanted to do was exit the Coliseum and head directly for the nearest shot of vodka, but Bellamy was still knee-deep in desire to see Tinkerbelle ice skate, so we walked around the concessions area for a few minutes until we heard the announcement that the show was getting ready to start, then headed back to our seats.

When we got back, Shane was wearing a large foam hat shaped like "Tow-Mater" from Disney's CARS, and drinking from what appeared to be a 2-liter Coke. (Don't ask, because I don't know. I only saw people selling 20 oz. bottles. Nothing bigger.) He proceeded to share Shae's cotton candy with Bellamy (which was very sweet of him) and whoop and holler as the show commenced.

I'm sad to say that, although Shane would lean over and babble at random on occasion, I didn't get to have any more full-impact conversations with him at the show. Sad, because, looking back, it was vastly entertaining, despite being slightly overwhelming and Twilight-Zone-like at the time.

Just think of all the boring people we COULD have sat next to...

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