You know your life has reached a low point of mythic proportions when you do any of the following:
1. Find yourself sitting at home with your best friend on a Friday night at 9:30, relatively sober because you quit drinking an hour and a half ago, discussing which of the Imagination Movers you would have sex with if you HAD to sleep with one of them.
(For you who are of the childless variety, the Imagination Movers are these really annoying guys who host a kids' show on the Disney Channel. They wear blue and red jump suits and break into song and dance every few minutes. They also have this little Asian chick as their sidekick. She wears too much blush and has an eclectic yet strangely appealing fashion sense.)
2. Write a strongly worded letter to the USPS because you're so damn pissed off that the mail doesn't run on Columbus Day. (I hate stupid, useless holidays with no decorations or special food!)
3. Hope that your stalker does something weird and creepy to entertain/frighten you because you're so bored the thought of potentially being kidnapped and tortured is becoming oddly appealing.
4. Plead with the political tele-bastards who keep calling the house asking you to go door-to-door for Obama to please come and babysit your children, just for an hour or two, so that you CAN interrupt total strangers during dinner and harass them about a candidate you aren't even thrilled about voting for.
5. Stand in front of the mirror in a sleep-deprived stupor holding your makeup bag and thinking "brown eyeliner or gray?" for at least 5 minutes before you finally flip a coin and allow fate to decide for you.
6. Start counting vodka as the most important food group, and working multiple servings into your daily food pyramid.
7. Go to the YMCA at certain times because that's when there are a lot of military men there and your motivation is so low you're hoping their discipline will rub off on you when you're next to them on the treadmill. Otherwise, you'd just stay home and eat chocolate.
8. Are horribly homesick for your family in TN, despite the fact that your Mom bought an RV and some chickens off of Ebay, blares Law & Order from the giant television 24/7, and believes it's perfectly okay to pull out her fake breast (aka "chicken cutlet") in public for the kids to play with; your Dad tends to go commando and accidentally flash the family on a fairly regular basis, disappears for hours at a time only to be found standing in the yard staring at the sky, and spends a great deal of time working out his governmental conspiracy theories; and your Aunt keeps threatening to pull up in front of the house and put your senile Grandma and all her stuff out on the curb and drive away because she thinks it's sombody else's turn to take care of her.
9. Start to wonder how badly it would hurt if you repierced your nose ring hole yourself and how likely it is that you would get blood on something important. Blood is difficult to clean up, specifically from carpet and clothing. (I know this from experience. I'm accident prone. I bleed a lot.)