Monday, September 8, 2008

Just Call Me A Fountain Of Wisdom

This morning at breakfast, my daughter informed me that I am a "freakin' genius," due to my lightning fast ability to untangle Barbie's hair. Thus, I decided to share some of my geniosity (not a real word, but perhaps it should be) with the world via

Things I Have Learned That YOU May Not Have Yet Experienced (and never may, but should be aware of anyway):

1. Christmas morning is not actually ruined if the Christmas tree falls over on the tile floor and breaks all the blown-glass ornaments during the gift opening. However, if it hits your brother and gives him a concussion on the way down, it does in fact delay the festivities.

2. Red nail polish looks a lot like blood, and will cause complete hysteria if you and your baby end up covered in it in the middle of Wal-Mart. It also does not come out of clothes, and is difficult to remove from hair and jewelry.

3. If the gynecologist asks you if it's okay for a student to assist during your annual exam, say, "No. Absolutely not." Otherwise, you may end up with an entire medical team taking turns poking their fingers up your naughty bits to see how a diaphragm SHOULD feel when it's placed correctly. (Note that this is great for a cheap thrill.)

4. She who carries a flask in her purse at all times is NOT an alcoholic, but merely prepared for anything.

5. I don't care if you take them at exactly the same damn time every day and never EVER miss a pill, birth control pills are not 100% effective. EVER.

6. If you use a Sharpie to draw a curly moustache on your dog, along with a tattoo on his belly that says "I like drunk chicks," be prepared to explain it all to the vet when something inexplicably happens to cause the dog to need to go to the vet. Because something WILL happen, and you WILL have to take the dog to the vet, and the vet WILL want to know why your dog has a moustache and a tattoo. (Just trust me on this one.)

7. It's fine to get a tattoo on a whim. Just don't get it of a large, colorful pea hen (a female peacock) and on a noticeable place like your wrist, particularly after you've been drinking.

8. It is difficult to jump on a trampoline in total darkness while eating gummy dinosaurs and drinking (more) vodka. Things spill. People fall off.

9. It's true what everyone says about changing little boys' diapers. At some point, he WILL pee in your mouth.

10. Wearing knee-high stiletto boots and using a dustpan is NOT the most effective way to shovel snow out of a driveway.

More later....

3 comments:

I am... said...

Hilarious!!! Love it!

vanilla said...

I must hear the story of the Red Nail polish (#2) and the doggie tash and tattoo (#6 or 7 I believe).

Also is this the only tat you have. I want pics.

And why the hell were you wearing black stiletto boots in the winter???

Also, kid peeing in your mouth, EW.

Email me said stories and pics.

bye

Rebecca said...

BUT, I look FABULOUS whilst still rescuing your snowed-in self and marching your gloomy butt up the hill to Kurama Express! So there! (Envision tongue stuck-out)