Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Things I think, but do not say

On Thanksgiving, it's pretty normal for somebody to ask me what I'm thankful for at some point. That's a good thing, it makes me think. However, I often find myself hesitating and mentally running through my list of "Things I'm Thankful For" in search of a response that is actually appropriate. Because, you see, due to my natural sarcasm, most of the things I'm thankful for, are not, in fact, appropriate dinner conversation material.

For example, I'm thankful for the privacy fence my neighbors put up because although I can still smell the weed they smoke on a regular basis, I don't have to watch them do it in front of the toddlers that they keep in their home daycare.

I'm thankful for vodka, because when my son takes off his diaper, dumps out the poop, and then crawls through it on the living room rug, I can take take the edge off once it's been cleaned up and the kids are in bed.

I'm thankful for my husband's many talents and abilities. (We'll just stop there with that one.)

I'm thankful for whomever invented reality tv marathons. I don't actually have television in my house, but when I go to visit my parents, I can become completely absorbed in "My Fair Brady," (which might actually star the two most stupid people of all time--"Peter," from the Brady Bunch and that Adrian chick from some model show) and revel in the fascinating lives of such entertaining people.

I'm thankful for scanners. I would like to explain why, but then I might go to jail. And from what I hear, Thanksgiving in jail is not my kind of thing.

So, I've left the really naughty "Thankfuls" off of this list as well. I mean, who knows WHO reads this stuff. However, I can assure you, that while I am thankful for my family, my health (minus the diabetes), my home, etc., etc., I am also most immensely thankful for tank tops with built-in bras. And that's exactly what I'll be thinking of if you ask me.